.

nah. i can't take it anymore. i need to give it out.
can't feed off. can't expect.
need to give. of myself. of my things. of my everything.
no longer will i be selfish.
i can't just sit and feed off the life of others.
i need to give life. i need to find it in me.
and give it out. and keep giving.
this selfishness almost killed me.
so let me be me again.
you said, who is this? who are you?
i said, this is the real me.
real me isnt quiet and sad.
real me is random and says smart remarks about everything.
real me laughs. for real. smiles. for real. cares. for real.
the me i've been has been low as can be. and hasnt cared about anything.
i've wanted to care. and i've tried. but i was too weak to, even when i wanted to.
i realise who i am, when im being who i am not.
i realised that on a long drive alone. and nothing has been the same since.
something is changing. maybe im leaving others behind.
maybe things will hurt to change. but they need to.
we need to push forward for ourselves cos when we do we'll have strength to push forward for others.
we can carry people all we like, but if we're not being carried whats the point.
youll end up back where you were.
and thats what has happened to me over and over this year.
up and down. up and down. i dont think i actually regret anything.
i feel like ive wasted alot of time. but through everything i have grown.
ive learnt. its hurt. but its also been brilliant.
ive cried like never before but ive also laughed like never before.
for the first time i let people into my world and i opened up for the first time.
wherever you're at. whatever you see as possible or impossible.
how ever you're feeling. whoever you're fighting with or not fighting with.
whether things are starting to look up, or get worse.
whether you see your future or regret your past.
tomorrow will still come. there will still be new days. everyday.
and if thats all you have to hope for.
then i think.
that'll be enough.
atleast for now.