what does it mean to say "i am not my own"?

and to really mean it and believe it?

what does that mean?

what does that look like?

and how does that feel?

is it a freedom?

is it a joy?

close your eyes so tightly..
things aren't how they were.
fly, fly, fly away.
somewhere. anywhere. just away.
just to leave..

the meeting...
we sat down.
you spoke.
we spoke.
i took it all in.
i understood all he said
and what you said..
"you're a great girl' you say as you hug me and walk away.
i take a deep breath and walk away.
i guess i felt nothing.
you said everything i thought you would.
it's serious.
it's real.
this time.
it is so different.

i am silent.

Life As A House.
it is brilliant.












George: I put a gun to my father's head once. Ever think like that? He was passed out. Had just been yelling at my mom over nothing. Under-cooked meat. I went to my room, I held the barrel right up to his ear, and then I chickened out again. Of course it was a BB gun but still it would have hurt like hell.

George: You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.

Sam: I like how it feels to not feel.
George: I know the feeling.

Sam: How do you become something you're not?
George: What do you want to become?
Sam: What I'm not.
George: What are you now?
Sam: I'm nothing.

George: I want you to be happy and you're not. Not here with me, not home with your mother, not alone, not anywhere. You're what I was most of my life, Sam. I see it in your eyes, in your sleep, in your answer to everything! You're barely alive!
Sam: I'm not even listening.

i just want to be alone now














what's going to happen?
you don't know what will happen, none of us do...
i guess that's the scary part.
having an idea, all these ideas, but not actually knowing how it'll be,
what could happen, what could be said...?
you can only wait.

this gets me furious:

"count out 60 seconds and 3 of the world’s children will have died for lack of safe water/sanitation. count out another 60 seconds, and within these two minutes the world will have spent $3.4 million on its military."












big shout out to clare gorton.
you. are. amazing.
in a nutshell. thats what you are.
you always put action behind your words.
unlike so many.
you are a catalyst for incredible change, in so many areas of this world.
yep.. you're great.

sounded like an interesting night... dont think i wish i was there.
instead, i had thai food at a restaurant with my family!
yep..

"what is it about morning light that makes everything feel alright..?"

how come i feel like i am leaving soon...?

damp eyes.
dont want any writing on here for awhile,
atleast nothing real.
dont want any drawings.
dont want anything that expresses anything real.
want to keep it away from others.
in the moleskin.
in the visual diary.
just away.

cutie, you. are. amazing.
i adore this.
it is brilliant.
makes me smile.
just like you.

maybe i am okay...
how can one simple tune make things seem so alright?
make me grin.
make me forget about everything.
how does music do that?
it's not just the song,
it's who it reminds me of
and moments it brings back.
hmm. i like.

SAM :)
been out and about and i haven't seen you for about a year.
but you're home for 4 days tomorrow.
cant wait to see you.
miss you.
<3

just a post to say i dont like cheese graters and so i can have 134 posts instead of 133 cos re-ocurring numbers are driving me crazy, ahhh right now its 3:33.

fantastic.

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone

we'll clasp hands. we'll hold on. and we won't let go... it's together we'll make it through.

maybe...

i sit here, by the window
feel the breeze
then once again it hits me
that smell
comes through with the air
on the side of the house where you sneak
that secret
you pretend day after day
we all know
it's stupid really
its like when you sneak to your room too
in the wardrobe where the bottle is
you think we dont notice that either
another secret
pretending
...

God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion

But God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is not a man
God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag
Not even American
And God does not depend on a government

But God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and Charlatans and Communists and Lesbians
And even old Pat Robertson, oh God He loves us all
Catholic or Protestant, Terrorist or President
Everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love

I say God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
Stop the hating, please just stop the hating now cause God is love

NICOLA FORMICHETTI

you. are. brilliant.

ghandi said, "i like your christ, but i dont like your christians, they are so unlike your christ."

this is one of my favourite quotes.

cos im sick of seeing non christians be the better christians in this world.

people who dont know christ, yet represent him better than the ones who say they follow him.

jesus was so different to how people think he was. he was in your face, blunt, he got mad, he cracked jokes, he hung out with the rejects and outcasts and prostitutes, he went to the parties, he wasnt religious, he hated religious people, he wasnt in church 100% of the time, he just helped people & loved them.

so how come people hesitate walking into a church?

cos somehow, people have made the church this spueeky clean place... where people are clean cut, and can only talk about the soft jesus and holy jesus, and cant get loud or questionable about anything, just gotta acept things and be reasonable or something.

mm theres so much more i can say on this. things need to change. although i do think they are, yet.





these are who im interested in. i miss them.

miserable...?

where were you today?

i wasnt feeling well.

your status said - road trip?

yeah, thats happening in december.

whats that? who with? are you feeling better..

yeah feeling a bit better.. fine. road trip with a bunch of friends. not sure if you know them..

i'll be praying for you. arent they other ul girls? i thought you were going to focus on your ul girls.

thanks. yeah they are. i've got stuff planned for our girls too. ill be seeing them alot on holidays too hopefully.

i think you need to let go of these friendships. i dont know what she has asked of you or god is asking but i feel that you need to.

okay. its alright with her and everything. i kept distant, but we're ok now. i still want to focus on my girls too.

things have got to change. for your good! but you need to want it!

dont fly under the radar. bring everything into the open and breakthrough. you know what i'm talking about whether you tell me or not..

see people down the street,
drive passed people,
served by people in the shops,
see performers,
see school kids,
see parents,
people.
you wonder.
what are they like?
what do they believe in?
what makes them laugh?
who do they love?
what makes them cry?
what have they experienced?
what kind of friends do they have?
where do they live?
where are they heading?
what do they dream of?
what keeps them going?
how do they live?
who do they care about?
whats their favourite colour?
what music do they like?
how do they spend their weekends?
do they enjoy their job?
do they have little or no regrets?
do they sometimes want to escape?
do they love life?
who are these people?


yes i see people. i notice. people are amazing.

letting go of everything
not being anything anymore
let go of the personality
let go of the insterests
let go of the being
you're not being who you are and you know it,
dont express yourself in any way,
except random rants.
youre not learning as much
youre going through motions
youre not looking forward,
you're not looking back
you're just still
expecting nothing
except an end, soon
you dont think you even want hope anymore
although
you remember,
but procrastinate and procrastinate
you do want to do these things and be these things
but theres no confidence to do it.
do you know your worth
will you always think youre not good enough
will that always be the main obsticle?

friday 13
...
the first and only time she wore the mascara,
so for the first time her tears were actually seen and noticed.
stained cheeks that said more than the note that she didnt leave behind.
she left nothing, except questions.

You're Tyre Swing.

that tree in the back yard.
it was your favourite as a kid.
it was an enemy as a teen.

there's the rope that used to hold your tyre swing.
where you used to have fun and escape everything.
you were in your good place there.
things were safe and fun and nice.

but times went on.
and things became hard.
you grew up.
you learnt things.
things werent safe anymore.
werent fun or nice to you.
theres hurt and no more escapism.

so you went back to your tree.
but instead of going to the swing.
you removed the tyre.
and escaped for the last time using what held it up.
now it holds you.

is that pain gone?
are you better now?
where are the answers?

you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black,
just keep going to the bathroom,
always say you'll be right back.

can i do a thing?
can i do anything?
i wont be able to take this away.
i know that.
but could i do something?

head down, hands covering, leaking sore, hurting hearts, numb empty feelings, doubt, loss, sick... could love come through?

"a week or 2 days, choosing to write love is still a choice, and one you're following through with. you're not doing it for the sake of it, but because you know the story. you are the story. write love, and live love, it's all you deserve."

today is significant.

i feel like i have something to fight for.

that i can fight for it.

that i have a voice.

that i do have hope.

for once i can look forward.

it's basically summer now.
so i dress a certain way.
why am i getting second looks?
i dont want to conform.
of all places, way to feel judged.
this is what i want to change.

Malachi 1:2
“I have always loved you,” says the Lord.
But you reply angrily, “Really? How have you loved us?”


Have people always questioned how much they’re worth?

i miss you.
i love you.
i dont really know whats been going on.
ive been a bit distant from everyone i know lately.
im sorry we dont talk as much or see eachother as much anymore.
but i think of you all the time and all these things i could say to you.
i read about all the things you go through.
how you feel about everything.
and i just wish i could do something.
cos ive always seen you, always noticed.
but honestly, haven't felt good enough to help you.
never thought youd even want me to.
im sorry, i couldve tried harder for you.
cos i know you needed it.
i just sat back and was useless.
But, cutie, you are more than you think. seriously.
i dont want to just say a bunch of cliche things cos thats what people do to make you feel better.
but i mean it when i say, you are worth more.
You really are worth more.
Don’t compare yourself to others. No ones perfect.
You are you. You cant be anyone else and you shouldn’t try to be.
Cos you are meant to be you, you are significant in your uniqueness.
whatever you think your good at or not good at.
Whatever you think you screw up or fail at. It will eventually work out.
When you feel unloved or not good enough.
Know that, you are truly precious.
Not just to me but to so many others.
You are loved.
You are worth more.
I love you cutie.

i really wanna watch Garden State.













Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.

Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?

Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control

And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I’m on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won’t change a thing
I’m sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose.

perhaps i could be alive again?

If I just fill that whole book with every story and with every thought I can express. Everything I can think of, to get out, write down every incident and things that happened that would shape how I am now. Every emotion, every feeling, every single thing. All of it.

And once its written down.

I can go.

Cos it’ll be done.
I will feel accomplished enough.
there won't be any more explaining.
the puzzles will be over.
so i can just leave.
that actually sounds okay.

i knew you weren't fine with it
cos i know you like to know what's going on
and that's a good quality
and i don't think you're pushy at all
cos you're not, i'm sorry i cant talk to you about it
i can't really talk to anyone
i can't explain it really, at all
when i know how it is, i'll talk
but for now, so you know
i have stopped, for a bit
cos i can't look at it anymore
and it hurts all the time anyway

kids will always be the future...
can we all remain kids?

when you wish upon a star
makes no difference who you are
anything your heart desires will come to you
if your heart is in your dreams
no request is too extreme
when you wish upon a star,
as dreamers do

How the heck is this hurting me?
I’ve run out of stamps.
So I don’t know when ill be writing next
I wouldn’t know what to write anyway
Or if I want to.
I actually don’t really know how I feel
When I think of your return I get this sinking feeling in my gut
Every time
I cant help it
Im not forgetting you
Ill see you when you get back for sure
But Im not sure how things will be
And im not entirely looking forward to it
Maybe it will be fine
Maybe it wont be
A lot of the time ive just wanted to be under a rock or in a coma forever

perks of being a wallflower explains my thoughts word for word:
I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

I care about you all. I love you all. So much. I think the world of you and think you are all just brilliant. I really do. You’re worth so much. You deserve better than you get. And I would miss you a lot if I left.

Head over here and take me
Head over heels and aching
When I told you I was yours
I was yours

In this life, you're the one place I call home
In this life, you're the feeling I belong
In this life, you're the flower and the thorn
You're everything that's fair in love and war

I'm coming down like a gunshot
In all these battles I've fought
You're the mark I'm aiming for
I was yours

In this life, I'm stubborn to the core
In this life, I've been burning after more

We both know what these open arms are for
You're everything that's fair

In this life, you're my only one