bright eyes-

"when everything is lonely i can be my own best friend, grab my coffee and the paper, have my own conversation"

i think i do like my loneliness, my own quiet company.

things are so simple.

and most of the time, just okay..

but in saying that, i do like the small group of good friends,

guess im still just finding my place.

I dont think im gonna see fireworks tonight, i was looking forward to wondering the city with han but now shes on a roadtrip to portfairy and im at home. Jemimah said i should stay home with dad cos of mum, which wouldnt be all bad, actually it would be.. I dont think im going to beks anymore and i dont think ill be cuties last resort, shes probably found someone. Looks like ill be stuck at home, avoiding mum, confined to my room writing. Im tired i might not even make it to midnight. Fun times. i suppose i enjoy my own company.. Maybe i could drive up to macedon just before midnight and watch the fireworks from the mountain..

i am writing. im actually writing, without stopping,
im writing about this year, about past years,
about how im feeling now and how i have felt.
about things ive done, am doing and am going to do.
finally, its actually flowing, huge release.
its not blogging, its unleashing my mind on this moleskin and it doesnt matter that no one sees.
It matters that i can actually get it out,
its sad, im growing up yet becoming that kid again that will always be in me.
I look around my room and i see my buzz next to me, toys on my shelf, kids books and magazines and the rest is a desk covered in pencils, paint and so much paper..
Next year i will really create.
Its all a choice, everything.
Ive always known this and its always been a battle but maybe this new year i will truly fight.
maybe i will understand hope, that maybe its in me to seek out not somewhere else..
maybe this fear will go away,
maybe ill be better,
maybe ill be bold,
maybe ill stand up
and believe what i want
and be how i want
and not let anyone make me feel inferior.
Maybe ill see all of you,
those who are so precious to me,
maybe ill see hope flood your blogs, flood your homes, flood your hearts and minds,
maybe we'll all become better, greater.
We can do it.
Lets make the choice in this new year.
Itll only ever be up to us.
Lets be aware of every moment, every feeling, every decision.
Every little thing that turns us into us...
Lets wake up.

they say how you spend new years eve is basically how you spend the rest of the year. interesting.

a film that leaves your heart pounding,
mind thinking
and soul wanting..
frig, we are creative people.
how do we do it?

so my urban life leader of 3 years, told me today shes no longer doing boom, still youth work just not in boom.
i was expecting it, but i think its now hitting me a couple hours later.
I wonder if ill still be in sunbury, i think i will.
So so far its just me and one other leader. Can i do it?
Its gonna be so different next year, so different, i wont have han with me anymore.
on my own.. i wonder if ill meet some new incredible boom kids like this year,
i wonder if some things will really change, i wonder if,
ill find something that will make it all, just worth it...

its sunset at 8:45pm, thats amazing.
i love it, easily my favourite thing about summer..
i wonder what ill be doing in 24 hours.

So exhausted, but not a regular exhaustion.
an exhaustion from countless tears, literally countless.
again. yet again. an unbearable break down.
indescribable pain.
at times like this people would want someone to talk to or relate,
but i wouldnt want anyone to understand this pain.
to think someone else has probably encountered this like me, probably worse too..
memories, images, people, songs, things flashing through my head.
wasnt just every screw up, was about the plain things im not doing, not choosing.
deep breaths.
it went forever, so long i couldnt stop, i tried, i tried to fight myself, although i havent found any bruises...
i remember when, i was sure where hope was.
now im not and i cant explain it to a soul.
yet again.. its a new year soon and i dont see a thing.
what is this being?

God i miss you. i miss you so much. would you count every tear?

why are things made so complicated that are supposed to be simple? why does it all hurt so much? too much. why do i just want an escape? why cant i see hope? why is it so hard? why do i keep doing this? why do i always end up on the bathroom floor.. why do i have to push every single one away? why do i do this? what the hell am i doing? this isnt life. where do i belong? i dont know where. i really dont.. i hate that i write this blog. why do i not confine it to my moleskin? it should be kept away. secret pain. I dont seek attention, i dont seek anyone or anything, im only mad at myself. only ever me.. this is way too overwhelming this time.. theres tears hitting the floor..

i genuinely cared about you, truly, so much, i still do.
you lit up my whole world cutie...
you really did.

I dont understand, i dont know where that came from, i dont know whats going through your mind, but i dont replace people, i dont even have alot of people in my life at the moment to do that, i love you cutie, i know we said bye, and that hurt too, i know things are how they are, even when we spoke the other day, it was fine, normal and you made me smile like you always do, but things are still this way, yet that doesnt mean your place has been taken. youre way too important, despite, everything. theres alot i could say to you but i dont know if ill ever get to say it.

"anita, you liar, we'll set your hair on fire"
this quote is from the movie Milk, theres a march going on & people are shouting this out repetively in anger as theyre almost starting a riot..
I just thought of it, reminds me of you and those idiots that are trying to mess with you..
You wont be pushed around.

Bullet Soul...
i want to sing one for all the dreamers.
i'm singing this one for the sparks.
heres one for the friction makers.
we are the bleeding hearts.
dont care whoever you are.
we rise and fall together.
our hearts still beat below.
you cant stand by forever.
you're a kid with a bullet soul.
are you ready to go?
i want to turn up the radiation.
i want to glow in the dark.
love is the one true innovation.
love is the only art.
dont let them blow it apart.
we are the children of the scar.
we got to start from the start.

You were supposed to be safe. I didnt keep you safe. You never let me go, in fact you fought me when i pulled away. But i left you. When you were supposed to be safe.

What am i actually going to do? Art is apart of me. I know that, it really is. Ive never thought ive been good at painting or drawing but i love it and i get ideas so i persue it. Ive usually thought my photography is a bit better than my drawing and that would come first, before applying for my visual art course i looked into photography schools for a year and was almost set on one but it cost too much.. I love art. It is apart of me, it is what i like, its what intrigues me, gets me, its accepting cos with art youre only expected to be yourself, thats comforting. Creativity, the different, not the average. I like the documentaries on art movements. i like how people think outside the box, but more than that i like that people question the box in the first place. I know the art world, i was in it briefly and it got over my head. i think i doubted myself alot cos its a competitive world and hard to make a living in, i know this but its a grown up reason. I cant escape art. Creating. Making stories, pictures, insights, history, characters, emotions, moods, so much. people are creative so why stick to dressing average and even talking average. twist every little thing around that you do, to be just that bit unique even though you really dont need to try hard.. Where could this lead me? i dont know if its my passion. i dont know what my passion is at the moment cos im barely alive. but this christmas all i did was sit on a bed in a v neck tshirt and over sized overalls, eating lollies, reading books, listening to music, watching movies and napping. besides the napping i realised art will always be for me. no matter how much i doubt it. This time last year i had numbers of catalogues with slr cameras circled, i was hunting them down, finding a good one, i eventually did but i ran out of money and then i just let it go and gave up, but i still want a great camera.. I still want to see things through my own eyes. see things differently. notice the world.. In the words of coldplay "we live in a beautiful world" i think we actually do. And i want to prove it with my life, just somehow.

As if im 20 next year. As if im an adult. As if im legal to drive a car and do anything i want. As if im growing up. This is a joke.. Im a kid. Still scared of the big world out there. Still playing punk music & being a geek & liking art & barely ever leaving the house.. Still just reacting like a kid to everything.. Im becoming very aware that time is going on without me and im doing nothing. That life is quick.. But im slow.

Life's good when you have some decent books to read.
At the moment ive just started reading four books,
1. nick and norah's infinite playlist (yes im reading it before i see the movie) by rachel cohn & david levithan.
2. Stoner & spaz by ron koertge (so far reminds me of 'perks' for some reason, its good)
3. Goodbye jamie boyd by elizabeth fensham (han wants me to read it, so far its ok, all i said was that the author stole my name)
4. A million miles in a thousand years by donald miller (this one i havent quite started, but donald miller is a favourite & i loved 'blue like jazz', so i dont doubt his brilliance on this one)
And on the side im reading Spook magazine, its sweet as. Similar to frankie mag, its aussie, new and into all the good stuff, art. photography. art. music. art. books. art. films. Art. Fashion. and more art.
Love love love.. Reading is brilliant.

Its new years eve in a few days.
Its an interesting time.
I cant help but think about the book 'long way down'. Mm.
Yet again too much to say. Yet again, dont post it.
thoughts- um you are all crossing my mind and it all feels like it was another life time ago.
And i realise im incredibly alone. All the time. Around no one.
I failed at alot this year but pushing everyone away was an easy accomplishment..
Good one self

"I love twinkies, and reason i am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live."
im sitting in the car, waiting for the towe truck.. again, just flicking through 'perks of being a wallflower'.
bug, i just underlined that quote. :)

"Well... Im here if you want me."
mm. this is unbelievable.
so much love. too much...?
certainly alot i could say.

I dont drink. I just dont. Ive tried several sorts of drinks at parties and whatnot growing up, but never been drunk and never intend to be. I forget im legal to buy it and everything, but its really not an interest for me. Reason being cos im affected by drinking already, without actually drinking. I hate drunkeness. Not the drunk kids kind of muck around drunk. But the drunkeness where people still get in a vehicle. where they embarrass others. wreck occasions and just screw up everyday life. im getting sick of it. bloody hell it gets me angry, thats the main emotion. anger. yet theres that kid in me that just wants it to stop. to scream like max "be still!" and it all calm down.. after all this. all of it. its still a friggin issue, that gets me everyday.. I hate it. It doesnt just happen in movies or on the adds. this is real life. And i hate it.

when you held me.
and i held you.
made eye contact.
very few words..
you were safe.
you were there..
guess this is touching your slow turning pain.

"There will be a reason behind this all.
All our suffering, it will lead to something.
Even if it takes us years to work out what it is.
These mistakes and hurt will build us.
We will be stronger then ever.
One day at a time I will take it.
One day I will find my reason to live.
One day none of this shit will matter and it will all be worth it.
One day."


Right now. I’ll just be an echo.
And silent from then on.
Once again.

that makes me mad, angry, hurt, sad... yet hopeful.
i want to rip those chains apart.

hope is not circumstantial.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. brownies.
i realised, im just contributing to the negativity here. apologies. hmm.. perhaps i do have a bit to say. maybe i do want to say it and get it out. maybe im not confined to my moleskin anymore.. i need to paint again. oh my, i have a pile of neglected white plain paper on my desk.. fun night ahead? watercolours, i have missed you.

wow. i could keep going... i dont hate the church.

but it doesnt have a great track record.

maybe im listening to too much NOFX.

angry punk music.

its what i grew up with, i had punk friends who talked about why they didnt like christians and the church,

they can answer for their beliefs.

they questioned. tim was agnostic, he's cool.

yep. hence why i now have a questionable way of thinking.

"leaving jesusland" is a good song.

"franco un-american" is an old favourite too.

ok. im stopping... now.

Rah, thanking you for speaking your mind. why do i go to church? after everything? why? i could've chucked it all in by now, with many good reasons.. but people say i persevere. thats what i do, apparently.hmm. i sat at the table, had lunch with you all, you all have your clicks, and in jokes and stories,
i sat there, being quiet, smiled, ate my meal. and left.
thanks liz for shouting me lunch. but this group, i don't fit.
i dont seem to fit. but i really dont care anymore.

i go to church and hang with my girls.
i dont see anyone else really at the moment.
no other leaders, im there for my 'kids'. we hang out on these holidays
even though the other leaders seem to have disappeared. mm.

i had amazing leaders when i started at boom.
one in particular, did so much for me, in so many ways.
but they left. it changed. leaders became different.
boom changed. church changed. everything did.
i was suddenly under pressure...
its not so simple now. so it seems.

i wont leave this church. but i also wont change.
im here, to serve teenagers.
teenagers need a leader that wont abandon them,
that wont judge them even if they decide to leave church.
a leader that loves them even if that love is not returned.
a leader that puts their life on the line.
a leader that does everything they can to answer a question.
a leader that puts others first, constantly.
a leader that would drive anywhere or do anything, if they needed help.
a leader that knows what they believe and why.
a leader that doesnt just go along with a church cos its cool or different.

i want to be that leader. or at least try. cos i owe that much..

i know what its like to be a boom kid,
and have a leader that doesnt take you seriously for cutting
a leader that assumes you'll be fine
a leader that pushs you to be a good role model for the rest of the 'kids'
a leader that tells you to just read your bible when your down..

hmm. teens need better answers.
you can tell them to read their bible sure, but i reckon a hug or shoulder to cry on would speak to them much better than any scripture..
there are real issues, that shouldnt be taken lightly
there are teenagers that are sick of fighting alone,
sick of being misunderstood.
sick of it all.

im sick of people getting caught up in a church with good music, lights, media, guest speakers and all that.
im actually over all that..
i feel like a misfit in this leadership.
yet. i will still be here.
cos underneath the services and groups,
there is something in me that wont give up on this.

cos i reckon its worth it.
although, i know i have alot to learn.

ive read alot about all the different churches out there
there are people just trying to figure it out,
doing church alot simpler, alot more 'human' perhaps

we need to meet people where they are at
not throw a bunch of scriptures at them and tell them do this,
believe that, or else youre heading for hell

i just think, people are worth it.
and i think, this stuff is worth believing.
even though im still figuring it all out,
im pretty sure i can wear bleached pants in the process...

oh wow kids, look!

i got passed 200...

brilliant.

you should read this book. it's my favourite. :D "Telling me I can do anything I want is like pulling the plug out of the bath and then telling the water it can go anywhere it wants. Try it, and see what happens."

"We all spend so much time not saying what we want, because we know we can't have it. And because it sounds ungracious, or ungrateful, or disloyal, or childish, or banal. Or because we're so desperate to pretend that things are OK, really, that confessing to ourselves they're not looks like a bad move.
Go on, say what you want... Whatever it is, say it to yourself. The truth will set you free. Either that or it'll get you a punch in the nose. Surviving in whatever life you're living means lying, and lying corrodes the soul, so take a break from the lies for just one minute."

"The trouble with my generation is that we all think we're f-ing geniuses. Making something isn't good enough for us, and neither is selling something, or teaching something, or even just doing something; we have to be something."

"Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say."

“One could argue that most of the trouble in the world is caused by introspection."

"Human beings are millions of things in one day."

"When you're unhappy, I guess everything in the world - reading, eating, sleeping - has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you unhappier."

"I'd stay there, or not, and I'd eat, or not, and I'd drink, or not, and go home, or not, and what I did or didn't do wouldn't matter to anyone at all. And I walked for most of the day. Do people get sad on holiday sometimes? I can imagine they do, having all that time to think."

"Even bad times have good things in them to make you feel alive."

"Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go."

"No, you see, that's not right. I knew where my life was, just as you know where the money goes when you piss it away. I hadn't mislaid it at all. I'd spent it."

Mr. Moleskin

"acknowledge your shadow. shine in the sun" 06.10.09

"sun doesn't shine without revealing a shadow" 18.12.09

"you need to feel good enough, or else you'll never put your best into anything you ever do..." 19.11.09

"somehow we want to bring hope... even if we don't believe it ourselves, we still bring ourselves to say 'everything will be alright'..." 19.11.09

"just be hand in hand with him and you'll be alright. just keep your eyes locked on his, just keep focused. just keep moving forward. cos kid, you'll move mountains.. if you're doing all this. what people say and think won't matter." 24.11.09

"i always think it'll be the last time. i wanted to hold on but you pushed me away." 25.11.09

"when you don't care about anything or yourself, it's easier when you lose something or someone." 26.11.09

"all i know is that there is something greater." 30.11.09

"'welcome to real life' - i hate it." 1.12.09

"i woke up. something was obviously different about this day.. at the time i didn't know what." 4.12.09

"i wouldn't want to end it all completely. i don't want that. i actually don't. even if i can't see what to live for." 4.12.09

"but something is better in me, when i know you're around and it's okay." 18.12.09

Steph, I've always found you to be very special.

Always.

I've never stopped caring about you.

I couldn't stop myself if I tried.

And yes, i do still love you.

Very much. You really have no idea.

There is something about you, i don't know what it is, but it is amazing.

You hold an incredible spot in my heart.

A spot you can't escape. and nothing could remove.

I know things are how they are...

But I said I would always love you and always care.

That remains the same.

Its 5:25am. Im cold. Wearing the smallest shorts i own. was just listening to nickasaur cover la bamba.. Im not tired anymore. Do i stay up to watch sunrise. I cant see it well from my room. Dang.. Castledoor. He is we. Nickasaur. Keeping me company. My thoughts arent racing as much as before bed. Mr Moleskin got a hit of ink though.. I just heard a ruckus, i cant spell. I cant describe this ruckus.. Ha breakfast club. Mm outside is getting lighter.

There is too much to say. I wont say how i really feel here. cos theres really no point... Be mad. be angry. Be anything. i dont mind. i deserve it... Know this, you are all worth a hell of alot more than you think.

and then felex said to boris, “you turn my world upside down”
and boris said, “shut up. i have 8 legs and you have four, i turn your world upside down”
then felex laughed and ate your mac at balmac whilst i drank lemonade .
boris got angry and tried to set my house on fire, but it was raining so it wouldnt start.
and then boris and felex had a karate fight in the rain, and boris won because he has 8 legs.
felex went to hospital with a broken face and boris sat by his bed in the hospital.
boris was hungry so he went to a cafe and bought some ice cream, and an ice pole for felex.
felex was content and decided to draw a picture.
it started off as a line and then quickly became a drawing of a forrest.
then boris ate the drawing and everyone lived happily ever after.

the end

don’t let the children out on halloween,
there’s poison in the candy.
the vampire's on the street.
don’t let your heart be tricked on this holiday,
stay inside and carve a pumpkin.
that’s the only way to be safe.

They don’t need you
They don’t want you
They're doing fine now
Can't you see
You're gone now
You left
It's your fault
You can't have a say now
Not anymore
You're out of their life
Out of everything
You said bye
Now go
Just go
They’ll be ok.
They will be
So
Just
Stop

bloody hell.. you dont dseserve that at all.
not at all.
none of you do.
you dont deserve a punishment
you dont deserve a blame
or to feel ashamed
or to feel that pain
you dont deserve any of that
some would argue that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing.
and i understand that. ive agreed to that several times.
but. this.
its actually not worth it.
frig. you are actually worth a load more than that.

things not going to plan...

how long? how long? how long?

when do we meet again?

and when we do, where do we go from there?

what will you tell me to do next?

will it have to keep going on like this?

if it does, then fine.

if it doesnt,

it wont matter anymore,

cos its already turned out like this.

...

i actually thought they'd be better

i thought they were

i thought it was ok

did i think wrong?

i cant think about any one else?

but them.

how come, i care about her, so much

that i got defensive,

that i would fight

that would cry

that i would laugh

that i would go through every emotion

every thought

every thing in me,

so much

that makes me realise that there is alot attached

when the name is simply mentioned.

i still care

but cos im not there

that isnt really enough.

at all.

saying sorry.

wouldnt mean a thing either.

like i said.

i do what im told.

you. were. there.
you were right there.
and not long after.
i wasn't.
you are worth so much more.
i let you down.
pretty badly.
i actually didnt realise what i had done.
until now, as i think about it alot more.
im doing what i was told.
will i keep living in reaction to what im being told?

my clothes are damp.

my hair is very wet.

my new blue collared tshirt.

my kite jumper.

my black shorties.

hans new white socks.

my white shoes.

are aLL (woops caps) quite damp.

but i dont intend on changing.

id rather sit here.

and listen to the rain.

wait i think it stopped.

dang.

yesterday it was double what the weather is today.

odd.

it's 2:22pm

"Because
without laughing
it's easier
to dream"

oh. my lord..

i love this.

i love it.

this song is brilliant.

beautiful.

i dont understand it.

but i get the sound.

its so good.

i can hear a story.

smiles. all round.

it is okay.

im gonna keep this song for awhile again.
its the only one i can really stick with.

we're all wild things.

How come i did get so defensive?

it's actually mayhem
what i was told to do
i listen to this song
Big City Dreams
havent heard it in sooo long
and i think how simply it should be
but it isnt
mhm
it should be okay
it should be fine
but it isnt
cos someone made a choice
and choices have results
the results are being created right now

happy holiday everybody.

writing in reaction.

i didnt know you all had my blog...

now that im aware

will it change how and what i write?

its like im being watched now.

i thought barely anyone had it

i thought i was real alone in this.

hmm. anyway. thats alright.

nothing to do this week.

no one to see

its been weeks, months almost since ive really seen people.

only every sunday, but even then its like no one.

no one calls

no one txts. besides bug :)

ive blocked myself in a bit

and its actually alright.

i dont feel the need to reach people,

do alot of things,

or open up to anyone,

or anything like that.

im just on my own.

visit bug a bit.

my twin is around a bit more too.

a twin is pretty good,

if you dont have one

you should try get one.

mm there is so much that could go through my head now

so much i could be angry about. furious in fact.

so much i could also be happy about. and glad.

today was, ridiculous in my home

although i slept in a foetal position majority of the day cos pain killers were 'calmative'

but then came dinner and just cos i made dads dinner, mum got friggin questionable and grr

all hell broke loose. again. like it used to

what ive always grown up with and not a thing has changed..

things are different when youre not crowded with people in your life

at the moment, i find it okay.

maybe it was a bad idea.

You reached for the drink again.
And again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and bloody hell you did it again!

I know you're doing fine without me.
In fact you're doing great...
And that was the point.

whenever i touch your slow turning pain.

vague answers to someone who changed my life.

umm. let's start again.

I almost forgot how you sounded.

That beautiful, fragile voice..

I walked up your driveway, remembering the last time i was there.

Just remembering, Everything.

Yep.

I actually miss you terribly... yet i can't even say your name here.

I wonder if you read this.
I wonder how you've been, and how you are.
if you're good, happy, sad, unsure.
I wonder what teen shenanigans you got up to tonight.
I'm thinking of you a bit lately. A fair bit.
I wonder if i'll see you again.
It won't be soon but i wonder when or if.
I hope you're enjoying life and being okay.
Pretty sure i miss you alot.
There's actually quite a few things that remind me of you.
I wonder if you know this is about you...

Today, i was sitting on some steps in the city looking up at a building, with no real expression on my face, when someone walked passed, looked at me and said "cheer up", then kept walking.. i didnt know them at all.. it made me smile.
i like people.
i like the city.
its like diversity at its best.

i reckon i'd like to say hello, and see how you are.
but it's not looking like a possibility, any time soon, at all.

the city

galleries

parks

bookstores

sitting

walking

writing

listening

photographing

seeing

browsing.

looks like a good day tomorrow.

i recommend you go and listen to these particular songs by The Arcade Fire.
theyre my favourites. i miss them. i havent had any of their music since the mac incident... tear.

• intervention (the acoustic version is really good, original is still brilliant)
• wake up (we all know this is amazing, particularly the wild things version too)
• rebellion (first song i really liked by them, quite good my friends, quite good)
• no cars go (a classic)
• haïti (a song i used to listen to in the car alot. its quite a favourite.)
• neighborhood #3 (one of many greats too)

when john lennon wrote the song help!, it came across as a fun pop song.
but he actually was crying out for help...

ouch.

what's a wonderwall after all...?

in the words of The Killers, everything will be alright.

Will you keep out all the sadness?

you know what...?

it will all be okay.

all of it.

every little bit.

every last bit.

will actually be okay.

it took a negative to help me see a positive.

i don't know how.

but i know why.

we are all better.

made for better, called for greater.

and that is it.

thoughts: Everything. Will. Be. Okay.

Symbols...

Woke up.
Earlier than usual, already woken up several times..
I glance at my wall where theres a large heart painted, it goes across two pages.
i notice blue tac has worn off in the middle, splitting the heart in half..
interesting.

Have you ever seen a sound?
have you listened to an image?
have you ever touched a thought?
have you ever tasted nothing?
have you ever told a lie, that was true more than truth?
because truth it had lied all its life when it spoke to you?
And what did it say,
it is that it is this
this goes here, here is there
it is not yes it is
it was dulling your senses
your eyes they were bound
have you ever my friends
been looking around?

And the other replies, with a wave of a hand
I am already here, in this promised land
but not by a god and not by a king
and not by a spirit
deep from within
I am here
because a miracle’s a whim
it’s a flash of glory
it’s an empty tin
and maybe might lets you in
not to save you
but to keep on looking-

Have you ever
been so happy that you’re sad?
that the lights turn to stars
and the stars become eyes
and hello’s are goodbye’s
and the laughs are the sigh’s
and the show disappears with the note
‘until next time’

today, i read the news, a 13 year old girl called Hope killed herself due to bullying at school.

i also read that paul mccartney has started his first european tour in five years.

and that facebook has reached 350 million users.

and that a baby boy has died in canberra after being exposed to tb.

...

what really matters to us?

Something filled up my heart with nothing, someone told me not to cry.
But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder, and I can see that it’s a lie.
Children wake up, hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust.
If the children don’t grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms turning every good thing to rust.
I guess we’ll just have to adjust.
With my lighning bolts a glowing, I can see where I am going to be when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.
With my lighning bolts a glowing I can see where I am going.
You better look out below.

This song is probably the theme to this year.
it reminds me of so much.
when things changed.
when things got better.
when things got worse.
things were simply getting different.
and i've struggled alot with remaining a kid.
ive grown up alot. alot of that was cos i was forced to.
but im not ready.
i dont know if i'll ever be.
i was told the ther day "welcome to real life"
and the first thing i thought was "i hate it".
i may just be being negative.
but 'real life' has become a serious, complicated and sad place to be.
i want to stay a kid...

This morning ive woken up at least 3 different times & then fallen back asleep. Each time i woke up my cd player was up to the same song, screaming the line "im not f-ing around" ...great. Not only wierd, but thanks green day..

All these issues, problems, hurts, faults and things, that just tear you down further and further everyday..
yet, you can still smile for the photograph.
and people have no idea.
Interesting world we live in.

I want to make films.
I want to tell stories.
It all intrigues me somehow.
I have no idea how i could do it.
But the shots,
cinematography,
slow pan outs,
environments & settings,
well written scripts,
professional pretenders,
the characters,
the music that sets moods.
The people & places.
The quotes a
nd just the stories that are told...
Its unreal..
Life as a house, milk, slumdog millionaire, 2:37, the black balloon, about a boy.
And im yet to see the bucket list and garden state..
Mm but these movies tell great stories.
In real, raw ways.
They have inspired me for awhile now..
What was captured in these films.
Ah so good..
Just a dream.