1. Friend
A real friend is someone who:

a) it's okay to fart in front of.
b) you don't mind talking to on the bus for atleast 20 minutes.
c) can borrow $5 and never has to pay it back.
d) you'll actually call up do stuff.

Bob: "Hey Jim, you wanna go see a show downtown"
Jim: "Sorry man, I'm broke, and how are we gonna get there."
Bob: "No problem, I'll lend you the 5 bucks and we'll take the bus."
Jim: "Yeah, okay" (loud farting sound)
Bob: "Whoah! That was a good one!

Bob and Jim are friends.

"you're the only one i see. and when i found you, i found me. i found it all."

one day...?

new year, a whole month has gone.
not much has changed yet.
i guess its still beginning.
things are real quiet.
i am, being, not so much.
not much at all.

so me and han went to the salvos other day, arrived around 11:00am, clares birthday picnic was at 12:00pm in heatherdale, we were in nunawading.

we were just having a browse, laughing at things, trying on tartan jackets, contemplating buying a giant fish bowl just so we could smash it somewhere. then. at the back of the store.

was

the

toy

section

me and han looked at some things, han picked up a toy crocodile, a puzzle for jemimah and we took a putter from a set cos there werent any on their own.

then we found, 4 boxes of old little toys.

it was amazing, to say the least.

we sat there giggling and playing with them

while store workers walked past, probably wondering how old we were

at one point we were the only ones in the store

then we lost track of time and were there for about an hour (sorry again clare)

we played with dinosarus, cars, old maccas toys, it was brilliant

i bought some dinos and a white bear called harry

han found a signed copy of a backstreet boys cd and got it, plus mighty ducks 1 on video

yep. op shops are amazing.

i love being a 90's kid.

still sitting here in my new favourite tshirt and pj shorts.
ive eaten and had a chat to some friends.
and now i would be leaving to go to churchies in approximately 26 minutes.
but, why arent i getting up and at it? why dont i feel like going anywhere? why dont i feel like seeing anyone? why do i yet again feel like a let down to my little friends "urbs girls"?

"i was watching the movie star wars recently and wondered what made that movie so good. of course, there are a thousand reasons. but i also noticed that if i paused the dvd on any frame, i could point toward any major character and say exactly what the person wanted. no character had a vague ambition. it made me wonder if the reasons our lives seem so muddled is because we keep walking into scenes in which we, along with the people around us, have no clear idea what we want."

these arent my own words.

i havent had my own for a little while.

i guess ive actually been doing things. havent been home, all ive been doing is seeing friends and playing with toys.

what do i want?

more importantly, what do i need?

i dont know when ill be able to answer these questions.

thinking of a few.

and i guess we all have our insecurities and doubts.
and even though we do care. alot.
they hold us back from caring.
its crippling and unfair.

mum - you tired lil?
lil - just had a nap.
dad - she hit her head yesterday
mum - hit your head!?
lil - on a playground, *i explain where & how i hit my head*
dad - you're 19 lil...

stickin around! brilliant show.
youtube it, find it at an op shop, or savers, or anywhere. its so good.
me and han watched it for 2 hours straight this morning.
eating ice cream, fruit salad and lollies.
and then i napped on my toy story kid sofa :)
and another plus, when i woke up an hour later my head was feeling a bit better.. after the playground incident.
now its time to check youtube and see if mitchell davis has a new video. yep ive watched them all. although repeats are always good!
boo yah!

im just realising that a fair few of my posts are about jesus, or more so church... great.

today i woke up with a throbbing head after my collision with a pole while climbing a playground yesterday.
and i had this song in my head

'the hope of all hearts, the hope of all hearts is you.
your love never fails, your love never fails.
in the darkness, in trial
my soul shall sing of his mercy and kindness
our offering of praise
our god never fails, our god never fails.'

yep.
yesterday was good.
i loved seeing my girls again.
but it wasnt just that.
church was simple.
and the fact that stacks of boom kids were there reminded me of how it used to be.
sure its changing and has changed.
but something is a little familiar.
and that makes it feel a bit better.

ive started to own this again.
i woke up this morning with a stain on my sheet and tshirt.. frig.
didnt think it was that bad.. idiot.
and last night on the train home i picked up a bottle cap and remembered what id done before.
but you want to take that cap off me, even though i didnt end up doing anything with it.
except keep it.
theyre going to start talking about this in boom, or at least with the leaders, so they know how to deal with it and whatnot. i hope leaders dont shrug kids off.
i dont know what this is for me.
after the first mark, i kept on going without realising and didnt feel a thing.
and now.
its back.
after months.
its here again, and worse than before.
much worse.

"weakness to do it, strength to stand it"

in for quite a year planetboom...
so much is changing and is going to be different.
but, i think ps ben is going to make a great youth pastor. he is real. he speaks about real things, he doesnt talk in a way thats fake, and he loves teenagers, thats all he cares about, he wants our leaders team to be like a family, he wants things to be simple and fun again.
i think this year will be very different.
but i hope it'll be okay.
i hope.

for awhile now i've leaned towards being non-denominational.

yes, i got to shakers, an obvious pentecostal church.

but christianity has become a ridiculous tree, with many branches.

these branches of denominations, which all believe the same thing, except all just disagree with how to actually believe it.

stupid really.

doesnt make sense.

hence why it doesnt matter to me.

just read the bible and how jesus was.

im beginning to think it is that simple.

why is it that i keep seeing people being better, happier, more free and themselves
when they've left church.
when thery've left god.
why is it like that for me, although im still stuck inbetween.
like ive always been.

hi miss bracelet, how have you been, long time no see. im afraid we meet again.

you called someone else your cutie.

kids don't tell other kids to grow up.

only grown ups do that.

youve been telling yourself for years. 'i know what i need to do, i just need to do it. thats all.'

but youve never followed through. youve had your moments, but youve always ended up back here.

when will something hit you so significantly, that itll shove you through the door youve been wanting to get through.

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I love you
I want you to know
That I love you
I'll never let you go

im scared of these holidays ending.

even though itll practically be the same for me.

it means real life is more real.

it means responsibility kicks in even more.

today mum was giving me the job lecture.

and i said even having a job at a cafe for 2 hours was hard.

i couldnt take the pressure, i couldnt deal with real life, grown up life.

im a kid having to live an adult life.

i dont joke around in saying im a kid.

i actually am.

and its scary.

from the minds of teenagers...

some kids go so underestimated.

some are under too much pressure.
some are misunderstood.

some are unseen.

some are seen too much.

some are clueless.

some are really talented, like this.

some are unbelievable, its crazy.

some make irrational noise.

some are running out of reasons.

some feel like theyre nothing more than useless.

some have one million thoughts to untangle.

some are just trying to get by.

some are learning.

some are trying.

some are running.

some are walking.

some are listening.

some are talking.

some are being.

some are doing.

some of them are all of these things.

but all of them, are simply teenagers.

and teenagers have exceeding potential.

and are...

brilliant.

will i try when i cant?
will i do when i dont?
will i say when im incapable?
will i be when im gone?

"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run"

it's crazy how much this scene is like us. exactly like us. movements, eyes, everything. something's different felix, and im sorry. i dont know a thing.

17/01/10 - Remember When.

Alice 11:23pm
i want everyone to feel the way i do
EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL THIS WAY
we need to change the world

Lilly 11:24pm
and whats the way you feel?

Alice 11:23pm
happy and loved and loving and warm and fuzzy and excited and totally unprepared

and suddenly the geeks are cool now...
stupid mainstream going vintage and retro and indie and electro and all that gear.
boo.
ha now i might actually fit in.
i hope not.

this is brilliant. i remember always listening to this song driving to and from your place. when i was like 5 minutes away, driving down the curving hills, winding roads. the adventure.

i wanna have the same last dream again, the one where i wake up and im alive.

if youre gonna fall ill let you know that i will pick you up like you for i.

i cannot live. i cant breathe unless you do this with me.


all the children left without a trace, only to come back as pure as gold.

even if your hope has burned with time anything thats dead shall be regrown and your vicious pain your warning sign it will be fine.

when your names come up. what do i say, just at this small moment.

alice - you would say little things that would remind me to be grateful.
rah - you notice the small things in people, in their words and actions, in how they feel, you see people.
steph - you are hopeful. i think particularly at times when you wouldnt think so. you do see the good.. and i love when theres a camera in your hand
mim - simply put. you bring smiles. and you make smiles.
ellen - you are. a fighter. you have fought for others alot of times, and now youre fighting for yourself, and youre winning, even when you think youre losing.
clare - catalyst. all youve done, with all that gear, invisible children, world vision etc. youll be a different type of human, a person who will see people be people again, genuine.. you fight this alot but i can see it happen.
ash - fearless. not a swifty joke. you actually are.

who else is there?
for the past few months its only been you all. even when i havent been around.
who else...

jorge - my spanish boy, i miss you like crazy. i miss our in jokes, art classes, quoting movies and being idiots, going to galleries with you. having a friend who just makes me laugh like no one else can. you are ridiculous but i love you.

bec - one of my oldest friends, we share the same taste in comedy, music, films, everything. i dont see you, like ever. its silly really.
katie - you were real, that time at balwyn maccas at midnight, i showed you a painting and you cried. then you began to share some very real things. that was the first time we really hung out. after that, it was just fun. i never opened up to you. but you seemed to know me inside out at times. i do miss you. but, i never got so close, so i guess thats all i feel at the moment.
chrissy - ill see you soon.
my urbs girls - bek, adayah, sarah, rachel, rhi, em, ri, louise, kat, amber, brooke. you girls, mean so much to me its unbelievable. we never cease to have fun, and i love that we're together, that theres no 'me and you', its just 'us'. how it should be. i really believe in you all, and that means i know you can be who you want to be, that means i know you can do what you want to do, that means i just know you can be better, despite what alot of you go through. i know you are strong young people.

growing up
i always played 'cover up'
alot of the time without thinking.
smiles were easy.
answering 'how are you' with 'good' was just an innocent reaction
always good at being polite.
nice talk, when you should say 'excuse me' 'please' and 'thankyou'
always show coutesy
sometimes too much
friends would start to say 'youre too nice' 'you dont need to say sorry, its lost its meaning'
if something was wrong, i covered up behind the automatic smiles, behind the good manners, behind the coutesy, behind putting pthers first, before me all the time, every time
its all very nice
but it comes to a point where my own worth has diminished
and, im not a welcome mat, but others are always more than me
and its not done in an obvious way, i just put others forward
it doesnt matter when youre not the spotlight
theres always been one ahead of me,
the one who shows a problem clearer than me

if someones self harming just to be noticed.

why would you shrug it off as attention seeking.

'oh they just do that for attention'

how could that enter your mind,

to ignore something as serious as a growing kid taking control of pain itself, and piercing their skin ,and watching a flow of colour, all by their own will,

cos of more than a feeling that grips them.

its something that we control, out of our control.

an issue that people label as 'emo' 'attention seeker' 'teen phase'

if it was only about attention, have you stopped to think why they would want or need that attention in the first place..

theyre not weak,

theyre not just little rebels

yes theyre teenagers.

but thats how it is

they have this potential, that is incredible, it is

they can really be something, someone

i know thats what i see

last night i went to bed, my bed and sheets were all neat and together.
then i woke up in the morning, and my sheet and blanket were half off my bed and my doona was scrunched up and everywhere.
i remember having a dream. involving spiders, catching them and running from them.
and involving water, being pushed under it and being taken out of it and also just being under the surface.
there were unfamiliar faces and places too.
and in the end i was left holding a snow globe..
dreams.
our mind.
odd.

and she just waits,

waiting for that day that she will txt back.

that day that she will see her again.

until then. tears well up.

and she waits.

although, she could always reach for the phone.

i like to do this.

dont aim to be different. aim to be you. that makes most of the difference.

then boris said ill hold you up felix :)

the stories make things seem okay.

cos it is simplicity.

it's human to have favourites.

you actually knew straight away.
you could tell. mm.
and you never forgot.
do you see that amazement in you?