what freakin happened?
are you even okay?
i dont know. and i hate not knowing
i hate that we valued eachother alot..
and that now. i txt you and never hear a reply
i fb you, and i see you write to others but slip past my name..
i heard some stuff happened with you. like serious. but i dont know what
and i hate that i wasnt able to be there for you. cos you pushed me away? igonored me? didnt want me to care?
i dont know.
i dont. i havent known for months now. i
havent heard from you or seen you this year....
i hate that ive read our wall to wall and its like those words mean nothing now.
i friggin miss you.
do you know what you meant to me. what you do mean to me.
do you know?
i love you. i want to know how you really are
i want to know whats been going on
i want to know that youre just ok

(David is gazing admiringly at a pretty blonde girl)

David: *Hi*. I mean, Hi. Uh, look, you probably don't think I should be asking you this. I mean, not knowing you well and all? I mean, you know, I, I, I know you, 'cause everybody knows you. I just don't know you technically. Uh, anyhow. Uh, I don't know what you're doing this weekend, but my mom's leaving town, and she's letting me borrow the car.
(the camera pulls back to show that the girl is standing several dozen feet away and, in fact, is smiling and looking at another boy)
David: *Looks down at the ground, disappointed with himself, but still keeping his tone cheerful* Okey-dokey, so, just give me a call; let me know. Bye!

Big Bob: This behavior must stop at once.
David: But see? That's just the point! It can't stop at once, because it's in you, and you can't stop something that's inside you.
Big Bob: It is not inside me!
David: Oh, sure it is.

George Parker: What happened? One minute, everything's fine... What went wrong?
David: Nothing went wrong. People change.
George Parker: People change?
David: Yeah, people change.
George Parker: Can they change back?
David: I don't know. I think it's harder.

David: I know you miss her, I mean, you told me you did. But maybe it's not just the cooking or the cleaning that you miss. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you that's missing, too.

growing up actually terrifies me.

i can't let go of my youth.

i dont want to believe the stories, that grown ups are boring, dull, that they let go of everything they were, to get a job and do things so they can 'get by', that they start to dress nicer, start to do things less and its like life can be sucked out of them.

i dont think its the young that should only be the little cool kids...

i cant see myself dressing more 'normal' or whatnot when im 30.

i cant see myself playing at parks less, or watching movies and colouring in, less.

i cant see that.

maybe ill come to a point eventually where ill change over time.

but at the moment. im scared.

at the moment. im terrified of the future.

at the moment. i can only take things few days at a time.

at the moment. i need to clean my room. that, i can get my head around.

but anything else, is a monster under the bed.

anything else, is dropping my icecream on the ground.

anything else, is not having enough money to buy han that toy from an op shop.

anything else, anything thats serious, and scary. its not what i want. its not how i see life being.

the signs are taxing
im waiting for something
theres images of love and war
and everythings here to explore
its all unlike the usual
a different place but beautiful
and it is not quite as it seems
i hear the childrens laughs and screams

its beautiful

so beautiful

i reckon we all feel similar things.

yet don't know how we all are, as we lay our heads on the pillow at night.

we don't know how we really are.

behind the txts and chat boxes. we can type normal words but behind the screens could be doing something, feeling something, that the other has no idea about.

that hurt that has a handle for all of us,

we could be holding it at these moments and the others have no idea.

how do we really know how someone is?

perhaps we'll never know how their previous night was when we see them the next day.

we won't know what thoughts went through their head as they sat there alone.

we won't know what they felt or wrote or listened to or did.

we won't know.

we couldn't assume. we couldn't say anything or do anything cos we won't know.

you won't know. and you wouldn't want to speak because maybe it's not you they would want to hear from.

some of us break down each night before they fall asleep. clutching a toy and trying to figure out what it is that's breaking in us, that's making our hearts beat out of our chest.

the beating that hurts. that comes over you and you don't know how or why.

you know there's poeople that came to mind. you know that there's things you're usueless at. and things that go through and through your thinking, that you screw up every step you take.

but the next day you're walking down the street and the sun is shining and the people you walk past have no idea.

no thought. no assumption. no nothing.

the people you see don't know. the people you txt at night don't know. they don't take that second glance at a phone or a screen or anything.

we don't know. are we scared of letting people know?

some are needing that glance. that notice.

some are actually trapped in themselves. but you can't tell. from the outside.

you just don't know.

are you there?
are you watching me?
as i lie here on this floor
they say you feel what i do
they say youre here every moment

will you stay?
stay till the darkness leaves
stay here with me
i know youre busy, i know im just one
but you might be the only one who sees me
the only one to save me

why is it so hard?
why cant you just take me?
i dont have much to go
before i fade completely

can you feel how cold i am?
do you cry as i do?
are you lonely up there all by yourself?
like I have felt all my life
the only one to save mine

how are you so strong?
whats it like to feel so free?
your heart is really something
your love, a complete mystery to me

are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
do you cry, do you cry with me?
cry with me tonight

are you there?
are you watching me?

i wouldnt mind being able to get out of here from time to time.

i wouldnt mind travelling. going away.

iceland. south africa. india. london. paris. america...

on a side note... read the news today. crap. be careful choosing a picnic spot kids

AND GIVE US A NEW NAME!!!!!

dont let this anger take me over.
before i do something really stupid.
she is a reason for the scars.

Before the Fall (napola)

i watched it last night when i flicked over to sbs.

it was really really really good. subtitles and all.

there was one scene that made me just freeze.

a vague explanation, theres a class of boys who are in a military school, trained up to be nazi soldiers basically.

so this class is outside, and they're being taught to throw these stick grenade things, after a few boys had had a turn, one boy went and he was in a nervous sweat. he pulled the key off the grenade but froze and dropped it. so it was about to explode on the whole class, the teacher bailed but all the boys were left there freaked out. then a boy runs threw the boys and jumps on the grenade, covering it with his body, and it went off on him, saving the whole class. the boys were left standing there, still in shock with blood on their face... i guess something about it hit me. what it would be like to take a bullet for others like that? if someones already done that for us.. how could we turn our heads from that.

so im actually seeing both of you next week.
its actually happening...
and it makes me smile.
gives me something to look forward to.
i dont believe you know how much i have missed you both.
missed you all in fact.
i know its like i havent been in your lives for ages.
which is true.
but i have not stopped thinking about you.
not stopped caring.
not stopped loving.
never stopped. ever.
you have never left my life.
even when i had left yours..

some have triumphant moments.
some just have.. moments.

white knuckles in hand.
that's how it'll be.

"Clay Jensen, an average high school student, returns home from school one day to find a box sitting on his doorstep. Upon opening it, he discovers that it is a shoebox containing seven cassette tapes recorded by the late Hannah Baker—his old classmate and crush who recently committed suicide. The tapes were initially mailed to one classmate with instructions to pass them from one student to another, in the style of a chain letter. On the tapes, Hannah explains to twelve people how they played a role in her death, by giving thirteen reasons to explain why she took her life. Curiosity and fear keep the people on the list listening to these tapes, and through them Hannah reveals her pain."

frig. how'd you find this book rah.

i just searched it. and i could see it turned into a movie.

im quite curious to read it now.

interesting.

hahhahah little secrets. brilliant song. mim, this is the song they play for boom tv. yep.
fun times.

i may hate reality. actually.

i have a habit of stepping on peoples toes when i give hugs.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long until I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cos I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?

A
- Available: i suppose so
- Age: 19
- Animals: i like them.

B
- Beer: yeah no
- Birthday: 23 august 90
- Best Friend: Ellen
- Body Part on opposite sex: haircut?
- Best feeling in the world: good. actually good.
- Best weather: not freezing, not hot as.
- Been in Love: nope
- Been on stage? several times for different things
- Believe in Magic: naahh
- Believe in Santa: everyone is santa
C
- Candy: lollies!
- Color: purple. aqua
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
- Chinese/Indian/Italian Food: italian! always
- Cake or pie: apple pie makes smiles
- Continent to visit: that place with the people and the buildings...
- Cheese: i reckon. oh my

D
- Day or Night: midday. or sunset
- Dancing in the rain: sooo goood

E
- Eyes: bluey green. was told they looked really blue other day.
- Ever failed a class?: yeah a few. fun times
- First thoughts waking up: what time is is? what am i doing today?
- Food: pastaaaaaaaa
- Greatest Fear: too early to tell?
- Goals: content in all
- Get along with your parents? usually

H
- Hair Color: brown
- Happy: at times
- Holiday: sleeeep

I
- Ice Cream: oh my! i will live in a house made of ice cream, my car will run on ice cream, i'll sew ice cream clothes and have ice cream cats as pets. it'll be amazing... ICE CREAM

J
- Jewelry: i like bracelets
- Job: yeahh goood.. one day eventually

K
- Kids: thousands
- Kickboxing or karate: karate kid
- Keep a journal? kinda

L
- Love: gives worth.
- Letter: A
- Laughed so hard you cried: yep
- Milk flavor: vanilla.. exciting
- Movies: so fetch
- Motion sickness: never
- McD’s or BK: the king

N
- Number: 2

O
- One wish: its only ever one isnt it

P
- Perfect Pizza: half veggie, half margherita
- Pepsi/Coke: coooookee. that black stuff thats normal to drink

Q
- Quail: whale.. it rhymes

R
- Reason to cry: many. but sometimes not enough.
- Reality T.V.: is actually quite ridiculous
- Radio Station: SYN FM!

S
- Song: awake my soul. muuuuummmford
- Shoe size: 9.. they look smaller though
- Salad Dressing: im a vegetarian that doesnt eat salad..
- Sushi: found nemo..?
- Skinny dipped? every tuesday night... meet me at the lake
- Strawberries/Blueberries: wild! ..strawberries!

T
- Tattoos?: nope. i like those. miami ink!
- Time for bed: generally between 10:30 and 2:30
- Thunderstorms: adore

U
- Unpredictable: predict your face

V
- Vacation spot(s): byron bay

W
- Weakness: documentaries
- Who makes you laugh the most: not sure.. ash makes me laugh easily
- Worst Weather?: when im baking like a toasted cheese-it

X
- X-Rays: i dont like the doctors

Y
-Year it is now: twenty ten
-Yellow: it was all yellow

Z
- Zoo animal: butterflies

i want an apartment/house in fitzroy...
and a lovely little vintage car.
and friends that can come over whenever. and do whatever.
i want to be content and fine.
i want to have some sort of job i can handle.
i want to be ok with being in church and being around teens.
i want things to be different.
my head went off daydreaming today. and i dont think im back here yet, like.. here.
i dont enjoy. here. very often.

1:19amLilly
but no one ever has all the answers
or all the control
and thats how everyone manages

1:19amClare
Yeah super annoying right. Ha

is there a room with more or less than four walls?

the other day i counted.
50. fifty. over 50. 52 to be exact.
thats over half of a hundred.
heck.
frig.
what have i become..?

There were some buildings....

They could walk.

Then there were some vampires.

One of the vampires bit the tallest building but his fangs broke off.

Then all of his other teeth fell out.

The vampire started crying.

The other vampires said, "Why are you crying? Aren't those just your baby teeth?"

The vampire said, "No, those are my grown-up teeth."

And the vampires knew he couldn't be a vampire anymore so they left him.

i don't know what this is like anymore.

i do know what this is like.
but i've always understood this well.

for 5 months you were the best friend id ever had.
3 months later.
nothing.

stop dwelling silly.

Moleskin 10/02/10

i was just walking and looked up.

i wasn't sure it was you until you were right there.

i noticed you looked sad, you were sad.

i was happy to see you.

gave you a big hug and said hi.

but maybe i should've left you alone.

it's sill there.

maybe it always will be.

i then thought, perhaps i'm invisible now.

you were on my mind for most of the day after that.

maybe i shouldn't expect that it could be fine. after awhile.

but as i saw you. my mind went empty. i was glad to see you.

it was that simple..

i hope you're ok soon. for longer.

"And if you leave, if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you!
I do! Look! P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do!

It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it.

And-and I look at you, and I... I'm home!

Please. I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget."

i was watching several documentaries last week.

and the last one i watched was about Time magazine.

and i got the feeling that i wouldn't mind travelling behind a camera.

like following a journalist or something and just photographing for their story.

but i guess that means i could be a photojournalist. but i dont think i could report and write like that.

but the thought of travelling, filming and photographing, it excited me.

and as i sat their glued to the television.

i got the feeling like i could do something. like actually could do something. i had vision.

and i felt like i had an idea of what i would enjoy, i didn't worry about what i'd be good at or how i'd do it.

i just got excited and wanted to travel and take a billion million photos and meet interesting people and go into different cultures and see things ive never heard of before and learn learn learn and have fun fun fun.

i always thought, if i'd ever travel. i'd be like a wide eyed child seeing everything for the first time.

and as i sat there in front of the tv i was wide eyed just thinking of it all.

i guess that's how i saw hope.

in that form.

somehow.

strange.

Lord of glory. make us worthy to possess your name. And give us a new name. And call us your people, God.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will live in the land I gave to your forefathers; you will be my people and I will be your God."
Ezekiel 36:26-28

And through all of this, there is nothing, absolutely nothing.
No fear, no insecurity, no doubt, no hesitation that will ever, ever stop us.
Because we are the sons of the living God.
Because we are the children of the Almighty.
Because we are the residents of the kingdom of Heaven.
And we are soldiers in an army of the immortal.
And when we speak life, life happens.
And when we speak healing, healing happens.
And when we speak truth, truth happens.
And when we go and take what we have found to a dead world, we'll see it come to life again.
And when we take what we have found to a hopeless world, we'll see hope come back.
We'll see the heart of our world start beating again.
And we'll see the colour come back into people's faces.
And absolutely nothing will ever stop that.
And mountains will move before us.
And oceans will part before us.
And the dead will raise before us.
And the world will know that our God is a god that heals.
That our God is a god that lives.
And our God is a god that loves unlike anything anyone has ever felt before.
Because we are fearless.
Because we are His hands.
And because we are His feet forever and ever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this song has been on repeat for a little while now. i listened to it a couple weeks ago but it didnt make me think like it is now.
its making me think of how it all can really be.
that it can all be pretty good.
real and not too bad.
it makes me think i miss it all.
and think that alot of it really isnt apart of me
this skipping church. this not really being a leader but a friend. this not doing anything a christian would.
this, is becoming strange to me. i dont know what im doing.
these lyrics say alot. alot i used to be apart of.
alot i used to believe alot. alot i used to quesion alot too. but now. its in one ear and out the other.
like alot of things
but
when i hear this song.
it makes me feel like i want that back again.
but i don't want the stress or the challenges or the feeling of not being good enough or like everyone else or fitting in or doing things how i should.
i just want to be apart of something. and i think this could be it
although when i think of being a part of something, i think of art galleries and making documentaries and travelling with a camera. i dont know.
i guess one choice after the other it goes. not one big thing at once. just thing after thing at a time.
guess it can be simple like that.
puzzle piece after piece. each piece is small but significant. thats cliche but true i suppose.
ill go with that.
or at least try.

i can't even say you make me happy
i can say you make me smile
or you make me laugh
or you makes things seem okay
but not those words
"you make me happy"

you're full of daydreams
living a life that isn't real
full of situations that don't mean a thing
people around you that are fake
you're heading to an invisible destination
mindless with no direction

a few months ago i ordered perks of being a wallflower from borders online and it was heaps delayed until i finally got it. and then today i got an email from them explaining why it was delayed and all, and they apologised and gave me a $10 voucher! i was pretty excited. and so now ive purchased this beauty and should be expecting it in the mail in the next week or so. thankyou for the inconvenient services borders, turned out to be quite convenient :)

people do stupid things when they're trying to act like they're not trapped.

I haven't lost anything except my mind
Expect a thousand confessions that you will not find
I try to take off my head sometimes
because I can't escape the memories
I haven't lost anything except my mind

You could be empty
and I can be right here empty with you
or you could be hollow
and I can be right here hollow with you
If you want to say goodbye to everything,
I could say goodbye too
I can be right here empty with you.

I haven't wasted anything except my time
Forget the treasures we burned because we'll be just fine
I try to take off my head sometimes
because I can't escape for the life of me,
I haven't lost anything except my mind

www.formspring.me/alilly

yep. cos im cool like that...

I imagine you and I was distant not insistent.
I followed suit and laid out on my back, imagine that.
A million hours left to think of you and think of that.

well. the cap is off the bottle of anger, bitterness and hurt. its finally being released, very slowly, after two decades of everything being held in. i dont think this is fun. but it feels real, and like im stuck inbetween things that have happened, and things that are about to.

i'm still holding onto the expectation that i will see you soon.

i will.

i see you write on other peoples walls, and write back to them.

i hear you see other people, catch up, call and txt back.

i see you're leaving the country for half this month.

i see that i never get replies. ever.

or any indication that you notice my existence.

and it doesn't feel great.

but i never expect anything from you, anything.

i just miss you.

and hope that i will see you again soon.

maybe i've done something wrong.

maybe you want nothing to do with me now.

maybe you've forgotten about me.

maybe you don't want to catch up or anything.

but

oh well. i love and miss you. more each day.

why do you continue to chase me?

i dont deserve to be chased.

particularly by you.

yesterday i realised that if you werent here.

i literally would not know who would be filling my inbox

or wanting to see me.

i guess, i do know im not alone.

but.

i dont know.

i never do.

im real sorry.

i dont know what you see in me.

i dont know why i mean so much to you.

i honestly dont know why i mean a thing.

i just dont see it.

and i had the craziest dream. ever.

well not crazy.

but interesting.

triangle head.. cutie.. steph? yep. you were there. and it was so real. i still care about you a load. and i hope youre doing alright. at any time of day. mhm. i dont think ive ever said bye properly. even if im not there.

product of war and fear that we've been victimised.

it's comedy and tragedy...

what have you done with that bottle cap?

and why won't you tell me?

Magicalsometimes we just see ourselves as nothing.
so we hate the nothing.
so maybe not necessarily ourselves.
just ourselves being nothing.
and being caught up in nothing.
cos it makes us feel like nothing.

and do nothing.

and be nothing.
and nothing doesnt do much.

just hung out the washing, while wearing a plastic army helmet...
what am i doing with my life?

i like cake.

some things i wouldnt mind having.