i feel like boxing with a brick wall and driving the car into a tree.


but i cant tell you that...

how do we feel like this?

yeah sorry bug
sometimes people miss people
and we were just going for a drive
and we were right near her house
so i said it a couple times
how does that hit you?
and why?
you think i have levels of caring where i care about someone more than someone
else
i cant imagine myself doing that
and i told you that
cos
sounds a tad ridiculous to me
can i not say anything right around you?
you know how not simple this is
you know that i have to hide when i cry around you
clare.. i think i dampened your pillow btw.. good.
i told you not to touch my arm yet the next day you placed your hand right there.
but the marks had healed. too late. ha. golly
ahhhhh
my head hurts from walking into that bridge
and my foot hurts from stepping on stones in the river
interesting night
making a fire under a bridge and throwing caps into it and watching them pop
throwing sparklers in the river
walking around with a flashlight barefoot
not sleeping in my own bed for days
not being home for ages
what was i doing with myself these past few days
it cant be like that
for some reason
unknown to me
..
but its like something. or someone is always telling me im doing something wrong
when im doing something. at all.
like the 'something' will always be wrong
i spent half a weekend with my urbs girls like a good little leader
yet hanging with others for a couple days too. its like
its wrong
why?
why
why
why
why
why.


and yes ive written all this in an outlet before i reply to your txt that took minutes and minutes to upload into my telephone..

well i better sleep...
almost friday. means almost the last boom
and means im seeing katie soon. hmm shall be interesting. i feel like i know what shes going to say
also means that conference is next week. golly.
means tomorrow is thursday and thats last day of school.
funny how i cant tell anyone anything.
funny how i had a dream i was talking to you and the more i chatted, you slowly started getting further and further away, and you eventually walked away without saying anything or even looking at me.. haa
yeah good.

"lets dance to joy divison and celebrate the irony.. everything is going wrong yet we're so happy"

why do i feel okay.
i cant.
nah.
im not.
not after this.
this is one of the worst of the worst.

Afterwards, I realized that there was no way I could have been nervous just then...
...because just then I didn't know there was anything to be nervous about.
But then I put the key in the lock, opened the door...
And a new part of my life started.
Bang!


-About A Boy

a possibility of that road trip happening.

things change over time.
they really do...
they really really do.

hmm...

being told i 'crossed a line'
by two that dont know anything about me
that i think have assumed alot, in saying what they did.
it really got me
to the point of tears
to the point of confusion
again
but then to the point where i know it shouldnt be a certain way
and to a point where what they said doesnt matter, entirely.
ill cross this 'line'. if it means, these girls will have someone around for them
age. 4 years. 5 years. itd be different if they were 20 and i was 24. so different.
you wouldn't be saying anything then.
but for some reason it matters cos theyre in highschool
i understand. i actually do. but i fail to see the real significance of it.
no im not going to spill my deepest thoughts, rely on them, suffocate them or anything like you think
we're friends. we muck around. we have fun. and we care.
and if they need someone to drive somewhere in the middle of the night. i'll do my best
if they want someone to listen to them. actually listen. i'll do my best
those things that really matter. i'll do my best.
i know what you think all of this is
i know. i feel like you judge me, assume things about me and think you know everything about me.
but i dont think you do at all.
and i know you mean good.
but
you're not in this.
it's going to be different this time.
i can't let myself get caught up in what other people say.
and that won't happen again.
cos these girls are too precious to me.
yes. they really are.

weekend

driving with the twin again
mj with bug, giggles and dancing
putting puzzles together
finding junk on peoples front yard
cambers. lots of people.
overwhelming and a tad crap at one point
but later
at the park on a mattress with sparklers and cap guns
death by candy
mim and rah rah rah rah raaah
loud music in the car
another park. an oval. and carpark. someone has a go at driving again. and someone gets on the roof again.
back at a house with pasta, always pasta
on a couch, drawings. and laughing so hard
back at bugs. deciding to sleepover from exhaustion
talk till 4am
feel sick all the next day. but cuddled up on bugs bed.
han making zines
then back to twins, pasta again!
feeling a bit better. seeing them makes me smile
chill
go to cambers for lemonade and coke
drive home.
lucky not to fall asleep at the wheel
in bed by 11.
amount of homework done = zero
day off school today!

yeah i reckon ill get that vest from salvos.

i only looked at it briefly today.

han didnt comment much, so that slapped my face with discouragement.

it reminded me of what marty wears in back to the future 1.

i liked it.

lets try it on tomorrow.

OH! and tomorrow morning han is picking up photos that she finally got developed.

and specifically some of the photos will be from a saturday cutie, katie, han and i hung out in the city. ha.

i think i have a councilor
it felt like councilling today
it never occured to me that ive actually grown up in a dysfunctional home
i dont really know what that means
whats really functional anyway?
mm oh well. i oddly feel very okay tonight. very okay.
good news with my mac. calling mim by accident. op shopping again with han..
and a brilliant night.
dancing. singing. eating contests. screaming contest. cooking, rapping, boxing.. so many different games.
they've never done anythig like it at boom.
so good.
i guess its times like these that i think.. yeah, its youth.
its where im meant to be. for some reason.

went to the mac store today and retrieved my mac. dad paid for it.
so i have it back. but its not fixed... BUT
two things that made me grin like the cheshire cat when exiting the store were...
1. they can get everything off the hardrive. yes! meaning music photos videos documents EVERYTHING
and 2. my warranty didnt cover the damage hence the massive price to pay to fix it, but dads insurance may be able to cover it, if it does i'll be getting a brand new mac!
im really hoping it'll be covered.
if not, it's still okay cos i'll get everything that was on it :D


side note. song of the day: Passion Pit - Little Secrets

dream dream dream.

fun times scanning.

i havent been missing my mac lately. but i really want photoshop. that i do miss. and i still want a dslr. a canon i reckon.

everyone's a winner, we're making our fame.

this is what happens when your distractions have been taken away.

it's all well remembering, but also well without.

instead of dwelling, just smiling.

now is fine, just now.

it's all we have. now.

but maybe we'll have tomorrow.

most people write like this

and like this

but i think i'll start writing like this.

i got up the courage to ring you.

it rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang... etc etc..

do you not have an answering machine..?

ha. oh well. i guess im accepting it now. cos i feel okay.

its an odd feeling.

i feel so strange to everything.

theres crap happening everday.

something bad happened today, that has happened before but i didnt go and punch a brick wall, i didnt get angry. nothing. i just txted dad, and left the house with han to go op shopping again.

i got a ronald mcdonald toy for free.

see, things just seem okay. is that good?

i suppose so.

Steph, makes me smile sooo much. particularly right now.
so made my day.
i love that girl so so so very much.
and yes, always will.

i forgot you actually had my blog cutie
this is funny. i now know you look at it
i think
ha
love you
i just got another flashback
when you were on the bus/walking home from shool and we were txting and you said you were listening to nevereshoutnever and i said i hadnt heard that song, and you said it was a band/singer. baha...
:)

you wouldnt believe what i found in the back of an old visual diary last night..

went through so many of my old books.
one ive drawn rain clouds and underneath just a date. 25th september 09
others ive written about you
others are so old, they written at the end of yr12
one is my tafe book. filled with odd things, i quite liked that one.
another one had two pages filled up. and i didnt write it down but i remember where i was when i wrote in it, it was a wednesday and i was sitting at a park in canterbury and i was txting cutie, you were out at lunch time, and i told you how id just been op shopping and bought pinochio..

ha my memory...
so much.

tonight, went to skatepark for urbs for a bit, some fellas on scooters and bikes, gave them free chocolate & coke, such cool kids... ran around the gravel ramp thingys, used to play there when i was little. fun times.

hung out on the trampoline at beks after that. then headed inside and went through a massive list of names of people who dont come to boom anymore. and we talked about how we started coming to boom.

flashbacks or what?

kids i never see anymore. one girl i used to know, i heard shes pregnant now, shes about 16.. another girl would be hitting yr12 soon i think, i saw around the street in sunburs, near the train station yelling at boys. another i run into at the shops and they tell me they need to go to hospital for something potentially serious. my my, people change.

i was 15 when i started at boom and it took a leader 6 months to drag me along to an event, week after week i would say i couldnt go to urban cos i had to practice drums, or i couldnt go to boom cos i had a party, and i did a paper round on weekends...

i refused to go to the alter call at my first boom, i was asked several times... i remember that night on the bus home, i met a million people and my arm had emails, names and phone numbers written allover it, new friends. ha.. i even remember what i wore (tartan shirt, black tshirt, grey pants and orange chucks..) where i sat and what songs they played. i remember boom beat (boom tv now) i remember everything...

the next week i responded to the alter call, wearing tartant pants, black tshirt with a white long sleeve underneath, i sneaked through the crowd into an open space in front of the stage and i stayed with my leader right there, we said the prayer but didnt go out the back, it was different back then, we just stayed there and i was crying and crying..

i remember so much...

i remember buying my first bible.

i remember underlining verses.

i remember changing all my music

i remember hanging out with different people

i remember my first urban

i remember my first camp

i remember my first prayers

i remember when a bunch of kids were going to invade boom with stink bombs and water pistols but leaders found out and stopped it

i remember boom academy

i remember leaders leaving

i remember old school bus rides

i remember

but what does it mean now?

i cant just, keep remembering. keep looking back.

that wont shove me forward.

meow
meow meow

:)

how come it's always 'somehow'?
how come i can never describe how i change or how i feel?
must be that whole constant thing.
who am i asking questions anyway...

things happen in life.
they either soften you or harden you.
your choice.

maybe my heart's in no place for any of this.

and the boys go on and on and on and on
and there´s gold falling from the ceiling of this world
falling from the heartbeat of this girl
falling from the things we should have learned
falling from the things we could have heard
falling from the people that we heard
falling from the love we never earned
falling from the sky that should have burned
falling from my heart

this has a red square drawn around it in a magazine i was reading, interview with angus and julia stone.

when queried as to the origins of And the Boys, julia keeps her emotions in check as she explains quietly, "angus and i had a christmas at home, maybe about a couple of years ago and i bumped into an ex-boyfriend.. we'd had a really amazing experience a few years before and i hadnt seen him since then. it was the first time we'd seen eachother since forever and it was nice.. but it was really sad as well. it was just a realisation that you can really know someone and connect with someone.. and years down the track there's nothing, you're just like 'hey. cool. see ya.' she sighs."
"i was really sad about it, i went home and i think i had a good cry.. i wrote (and the boys) in that space but listening back on it what i really think its about is my way of saying that things have to change to get better." reciting her own lyrics julia goes on, "there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world/there's gold falling from the heartbreak of this girl," i think within the heartbreak, and within the sadness of everything, these beautiful things come out of it.. its like you cant have growth, you cant have evolution, without shit falling apart..."
she grins knowlingly.

I'm listening to someone give up. Someone I knew. Someone I liked.
I'm listening. But still, I'm too late.

Eventually, she said the words that ran through my mind the rest of that night: "You don't need to watch out for me, Clay."
But I did, Hannah. I wanted to. I could have helped you. But when I tried, you pushed me away.
I can almost hear Hannah's voice speaking my next thought for me. "Then why didn't you try harder?"


That last quote reminded me of you. then you. then you. perhaps i could help? maybe. but maybe not. either way. i always see you.

i seem to just decide things are okay.

despite basically all thats around me.

a good ole chat with an old friend, safari. youre great. brought a smile well needed.
maybe people do notice. or care. even when you think theyve forgotten about you.
although, it seems to be that some things wont mend. and that breaks me all the time.
brilliant.

so strange getting out of the house, going to city, going to other places. allover.
and seeing how people are dressing.
seeing what people are listening to.
thinking all these different things.
strange to see what ive grown up with, actually out there.
not the small group of friends that we were the only ones liking this stuff.
now its everywhere.
more common.
interesting.
oh well.

new and old loves
still want the perfect pair of tartan pants.
still thinking up films.
all loves...

does this really matter?
we're all skin and bones.

got a txt. forgot about it for a few minutes. pick phone back up, open msg, see that its another story. i havent heard one in awhile. i havent seen you in awhile. its odd. but fine.

once upon a time both felix and boris weren't feeling very well.

jesus said, "i know, i'll get you two some lemonade."

both boris and felix jumped for joy as jesus walked to get the lemonade.

"i wonder what brand of lemonade he will bring back", felix said, now very excited.

"i'm guessing jesus brand?" boris said shrugging his shoulders.

then boris curled up in a foetal position.

"aww boris, are you okay?" felix said wrapping his arms around boris.

"no felix" boris said with no hope in his voice.

"it's okay boris, jesus is coming and he's bringing jesus brand lemonade."

you said, "i know that this will hurt, but if i dont break your heart, things will just get worse. if the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to us there."

i read my old moleskin this moring,

i forgot you had written in the front. the day i got it.

i feel okay.

i feel like deactivating my fb again and not blogging.

but not in a 'destructive' way.

i just want to.

to be without?

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

"it's hard to be disappointed when what you expected turns out to be true."

i didn't know certain names were still fragile to mention.
you don't tell me anything lately.
you're overwhelmed by alot. but i don't know.


katie said once, "don't let the world overwhelm you while i'm gone.."
i don't know why she'd say that, to me.

so you're becoming a stranger. but i'm fighting it.

alright, staying out of peoples business and keeping them out of mine... works?

why do i have a missed call from you?
was it an accident?
i was wide awake, even at 5am, but i didnt answer
im wondering what wouldve happened if i did
you probably didnt mean it
its silly

you're a teenager and you just have feelings. of course i can't tell you that. cos you're a teenager and you have feelings...

everyone just misses everyone
but we all know we're missing people that dont miss us

natalie portman's shaved head.

i enjoyed talking to you too.
and yeah some upsetting stuff goes on.
but i felt real ok, with you there.
and thats something i dont always feel.

driving home at night, window open with cold breeze in my face, with the warm air con on my legs, listening to bon iver. was actually good.
i like that i saw eleanor tonight. and it was interesting that someone prayed for me and said stuff that i clearly did not indicate, but they knew.
but then, moments from being home. i was crying, while driving, in the dark, on a stretched out road. crying. again.

so you pretty much lifted up my evening :)

before sunriseCeline: I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

Jesse: Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it's not just a fear of commitment or that I'm incapable of caring or loving because... I can. It's just that, if I'm totally honest with myself I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I'd just been in a nice, caring relationship.

Celine: I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you.

Celine: I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that.

Jesse: I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

Celine: Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

i never cried in the passion of the christ.

this is a blog
i say what happens in my head

"youre, i hate using this word, but 'alternative'. you have a creativity about you. and at times, with creative people, they tend to be a bit introverted or think inwardly..."

first time i talk to you, and you say all these things. interesting andy.
i couldnt see myself talking to hannah about some things that happen in my head. she'd tell me to go pray or read the bible...
so.
who is there.
i dont have anyone my age. and that seems odd.
it was perfect when i did.

people are strange when youre a stranger

you've made today that more bearable.
a little nicer.

i'm gonna find you a swell jumper and paint it for you.

give me ideas for what you'd like on it? k great.

you are a cutie.

last year it was leather jackets, which i wanted for ages.

now its army jackets, which ive wanted for longer.

of course.

i want a new duffel coat.

i don't think i would ever want to drink away my sorrows.

"i know we have our own lives now, but don't be a stranger."

people do silly things when they don't feel loved in return.