you two repeated the words i said a long while ago now.
i don't want to be in reality..
i can't handle reality.
i hate it.
i want to escape it..
but is this it though.
face up to reality... but look at reality... the reality is...
why can't we change what this reality is?
instead of being terrified to live in it.
i've passed that gripping feeling, i think, well it's not as bad right now.
that feeling of actually hating reality and life, so much that i couldn't stand waking up.
i don't know how i got through it, or partially passed it, i never seem to, but i did so it must be possible.
so there's a little hope.
write that with your scars.
Hope.

some points.

finally have short scruffy hair again.

watched a little bit of twilight last night. couldnt get over how much 'Bella' looks like Rah, lots and lots and lots. wowee.

annnnd. i hope youre okay ellen... i dont know what to do. i cant have a repeat of last year, i know thats not going to happen.. i understand it all.. but freakkkin.

Me
hey
handed my resume in earlier

5:43pm Jorge Alejandro
i was just bout to head off lillyboot
what?

5:44pmMe
oook

5:44pmJorge Alejandro
when?

5:44pmMe
earlier
like 4:30ish

5:44pmJorge Alejandro
darn i mssed it

5:44pmMe
ha yeah

5:44pm Jorge Alejandro
some friend YOU are
at least gypsylocks would never do that to me

5:44pmMe
i dont know when youre working! geez

5:44pmJorge Alejandro
10-3 mon-fri

5:44pmMe
yeahh
ook

5:44pm Jorge Alejandro
like you need to know that now anyway

5:45pmMe
ill remember that
yeah

5:45pm Jorge Alejandro
alright cya

5:45pmMe
see ya

5:45pm Jorge Alejandro
so exciting

5:45pmMe
i know

if all goes well i could be working at Nandos with Jorge, 5 minute walk from my house. could be quite nice. working with my favourite spanish boy. brilliant.
btw 'gypsylocks' is referring to han. old nickname since highschool.
mmmhmm.

nope. not fun.

and im not doing anything.

what the hell can i do now?

anything?

ever?

be okay...

this is a post for cutie.
a post to say that she is liked.
by me.
a post to say she will always have a friend in me.
a post to say she is loved.
a post to say i think of her basically everyday.
a post to say i think she is one very cool kid.
a post to say i have missed her.
a post to say it was very nice seeing her,
at the lovely market.
a post to say im listening to her blog playlist,
and its swell.
a post to say that nothing could change the fact that i adore her.
and would hold her hand. would cuddle her. would sit with her. anytime.
whenever she feels lonely.
or whenever she wants to go to borders,
and just colour in.

:)

eyes open wide, blinded by the sun now.
orange and white, dark red, green and yellow.
rainbow coulors. do not hide, see the view.
step aside, go through.

against the light, too strong, blow a fuse now.
everything bright, new songs, burning shoes.
the look in your eyes. break our bones into half.
scream and shout and do laugh.

let yourself... go

stay close to me.
count one, two and three.
up in through your sleeves.
bursting through the seams.
open your eyes and see. you see.

let yourself... go

stay close to me.
count one, two and three.
up in through your sleeves.
right beyond the trees.
show you how you'll be.

open your eyes and see.
you see.

In order to survive time you have to change.

i wouldn't mind doing stop motion stuff. alot of patience required but the outcome would be well worth it.

freakin frig.
not every night someone runs in front of your car. and bam.

big city dreams...
i looked at the green tartan pants in my wardrobe this morning.
thankyou.
you are liked. by me.

didn't go to school again today.
fail.
not a great night last night.
but i bare it.
come to a point where i really could not go on.
and today i had a conversation that would encourage me in persuing the whole leaving boom team thing.
i was talking to a girl who has been to boom and all for 5 years.
but is now basically leaving cos of the 'fakers'
and the pressure and misunderstanding etc etc.

mm and before i was out of bed this morning han was talking about all these art events that i should be going to,
and i should cos that's my thing.
but i'm not doing it.
why?
well i told her i couldn't cos i have to put my money to boom stuff and all that.
but i also said that's what i want to do, i want to live in fitzroy and do art stuff.
but i'm not.
why?
i'm just here wasting away.
and for what?

i wouldn't want to blame one person for this.
i don't believe you can blame people for your troubles.
i mean you can blame them and say it was their fault but it was also your own and your own choices. i guess.

maybe i say that cos i think everything is my own fault, my wrong doing.
people get hurt. people hurt you. that's life.
i remember hearing them say these things at church about how people can hurt you. and i never understood it.
until now.

but.
i am fortunate. to have the family. the family.
so why do i feel like this still?
that isn't fair.
hate this dwelling.
i hate this, missing people.
i hate this hurt.
yet i make it happen.
i'm sure there could be something i could do to not be like this.
although who knows.

during conference i came to a point of feeling like i was insignificant and that god had forgotten me and seen me as nothing. i came to a point of not understanding how he could love me.
i never thought i'd reach that point. as i'd seen others reach it.
but i had.

i became someone who felt nothing toward him and felt like he felt the same towards me.

how do we reach these stages?
with the crowds around us having no idea at all.
how do we go along as 'fakers' or even as 'not fakers'?
as people.
i don't know.
but i know i'm hungry. i haven't eaten yet today.
this makes sense to me. me being hungry so i'll eat.
but anything else. how do you solve other conundrums?

maybe i don't appreciate anything like i think i do.
maybe i'm the biggest faker i know and maybe i have finally become the thing i never wanted to be,
in every way.
i don't know how we get here.
but we do.
i don't reckon i'm looking for fulfillment or for things to be perfect.
but i reckon i want some understanding and some simplicity and less hurt.
i don't want this growing up and by that i don't mean age.
i mean the way i perceive everything around me.

i can't have lost all that was in me before.
but maybe i have.
maybe that does just happen and you never get it back.
i wonder if everything will be much better one day.
maybe that's up to me.

and i'm ready to puke when a small child sits next to me at the bar
but that's ok because to me other people's kids are fine.
so it's no surprise that it's parents are ordering water with lemon
and a root beer for the child .
do you ever find yourself striving for perfection
with a virtually worthless attempt at it?
and is that why I find myself eavesdropping constantly?

sports bars are the best places to meet people you hate,
not that i've actually met anyone.
it's just a matter of listening to their conversations and assuming that you hate them, when of course that probably isn't true,
because i can get along with anyone if i absolutely have to.

oh here we go, a couple a few tables down just ordered lunch .
the guy wearing a basketball tank top is having a veggie burger with fruit instead of fries. and his husky date is just having a salad.
it must be their first date

and what goes better with rabbit food than ice water with a slice of lemon?
sometimes i think if i could be anyone in the whole world i would be a magician.
no, then i would hate myself more than i already do.
but at least then i could make all of these people in the bar be more like me,
or even make them befriend me. but then again i could become one of them
and only then would i understand the benefits of putting a slice of lemon in ordinary drinking water.

so i'm holding a torch up for you and the batteries are all brand new.
but im scared they'll wear right through before they shine for you.

how do you live so happily,
when i am sad and broken down?
where does the good go?

i never seem to know what i mean to someone until it's too late.

scarterrifered.

tears started from the left.

snap.

"you make all things new
you make all things new
and i will follow you forward"

i almost cannot stand listening to this.
it's a great song. but right now
it reminds me of being at liz's house and everyone is standing up singing and praying while im seated on the couch.

i remember katie asking to play it again at the end of the discipleship. and i didnt know chrissy back then but she was sitting opposite me, i can even remember what she was wearing, and i could remember the date too if i tried.. but anyway.

i remember liz kneeling down in front of me and praying for me while i had my head in my hands
thinking she had no idea about anything
but she didnt leave me out. she didnt ignore me. she didnt just pass me by.

look at the stars, see how they shine for you.how is it that one being can make you feel like running in front of a train?

or jumping off a bridge?

or cutting your limbs off?

or punching walls?

or tying ropes?

or staying under water?

how is it that they can throw away the key to the room you're locked in,

and not care that you feel you'll never get out?

how come they can just leave?

how come they can just ignore you and make you invisible?

how is it that we can get so messed up that it's unbearably scary to be in our own skin any longer?

to have those moments when you're holding a lighter to your skin while on the floor listening to 'yellow'...

there's a life i want. and i'm not in it in any way.
there's a life i should want. and i'm not in it in any way
there's a life i'm in. and i don't know what's going on.

conference.

some times. i just wanted to run out of the place.
other times. it was farely okay.
the whole time. i was exhausted. but good.

no really. first night, great opening. i always love dances. speakers were good. other items were great. singing and dancing and all that. great.
reggie dabbs was amazing. probably my favourite speaker of all of them easily.
also have some good times of mucking around with the girls.
but
close to tears ducts going. just wanting to scream and be somewhere else.
i dont know what i was feeling. but i guess i was contemplating leaving boom team all together. but then all this gear just bombards me.
it seems ok then it seems overwhelmingly terrifying.
yeah.. thats all i can think of to write about conference.

so i have everything back off my mac. so weird.

listening to intervention now. favourite song of arcade fire.

bug... you have black hair now.

im not sure how i'll react when i see you.

when you asked if it was alright to do it, i just said up to you.

but you said if i wasnt ok with it you wouldnt do it. but thats silly.

it means something to you to do it. maybe its not entirely a brilliant reason.

but

its your reason.

on a nice note. i got home last night and jemimah's old nofx hoodie was next to my bed. has she given it to me? wearing it now :) its nice.

ive missed you girls this week.
thinking of posting yous letters. just cos i can.
ahh my limbs could fall off now. everythings sore.
interesting week.
i like you clarey. and yep you didnt tell me what happened but i guessed from your msgs. then i just asked. and yep. mmm ill still see you aroud plenty.
i better. im going to write back to you.

everything.
will.
be.
okay.

txting clare

me -
"listen to cousins by vm. things are ok for 2 min & 37 sec"

clare -
"2 minutes 22 seconds on my version. 15 seconds less of okay-ness."

i felt more alone when someone was there.

good day ahead
its going to be a good day today
yep
it will be
im hanging with han and we're going to buy toys and go to the party shop
then go for a little drive to moonee ponds and get mac stuff
then more playing with toys and whatnot
i might even get another flanny cos theyre in big w again. score
then tonight two of my favourite people will be over
watch movies and do random stuff
oh. and havent seen rah mim or steph in awhile or talked. but just thought of you all. hope youre having swell holidays. good to chat before cutie
yep.
today can be okay
it can be
it will be

i woke up at 1:30am with three txts
not knowing what was going
then half an hour later i couldve been driving an hour away to be there for you
but i really had no idea what was going on
in and out of sleep
you were hurting alot
but why are you coming to me
how do i suddenly mean so much to you
i know ive known you for awhile
but we've only started hanging out recently
i care. i do
but
this is out of my hands
when stuff happens with the twin
im the one who is hit with all the crap of the other person being hurt
its always about han
everyone likes han and then gets hurt and then im dragged in to help or something
i dont know
and now i just got a txt from you asking how han is
i dont know
i dont know anything
all i know is that i dont want to see her end up in hospital again cos of all this.
golly.