.

didn't go to school again today.
fail.
not a great night last night.
but i bare it.
come to a point where i really could not go on.
and today i had a conversation that would encourage me in persuing the whole leaving boom team thing.
i was talking to a girl who has been to boom and all for 5 years.
but is now basically leaving cos of the 'fakers'
and the pressure and misunderstanding etc etc.

mm and before i was out of bed this morning han was talking about all these art events that i should be going to,
and i should cos that's my thing.
but i'm not doing it.
why?
well i told her i couldn't cos i have to put my money to boom stuff and all that.
but i also said that's what i want to do, i want to live in fitzroy and do art stuff.
but i'm not.
why?
i'm just here wasting away.
and for what?

i wouldn't want to blame one person for this.
i don't believe you can blame people for your troubles.
i mean you can blame them and say it was their fault but it was also your own and your own choices. i guess.

maybe i say that cos i think everything is my own fault, my wrong doing.
people get hurt. people hurt you. that's life.
i remember hearing them say these things at church about how people can hurt you. and i never understood it.
until now.

but.
i am fortunate. to have the family. the family.
so why do i feel like this still?
that isn't fair.
hate this dwelling.
i hate this, missing people.
i hate this hurt.
yet i make it happen.
i'm sure there could be something i could do to not be like this.
although who knows.

during conference i came to a point of feeling like i was insignificant and that god had forgotten me and seen me as nothing. i came to a point of not understanding how he could love me.
i never thought i'd reach that point. as i'd seen others reach it.
but i had.

i became someone who felt nothing toward him and felt like he felt the same towards me.

how do we reach these stages?
with the crowds around us having no idea at all.
how do we go along as 'fakers' or even as 'not fakers'?
as people.
i don't know.
but i know i'm hungry. i haven't eaten yet today.
this makes sense to me. me being hungry so i'll eat.
but anything else. how do you solve other conundrums?

maybe i don't appreciate anything like i think i do.
maybe i'm the biggest faker i know and maybe i have finally become the thing i never wanted to be,
in every way.
i don't know how we get here.
but we do.
i don't reckon i'm looking for fulfillment or for things to be perfect.
but i reckon i want some understanding and some simplicity and less hurt.
i don't want this growing up and by that i don't mean age.
i mean the way i perceive everything around me.

i can't have lost all that was in me before.
but maybe i have.
maybe that does just happen and you never get it back.
i wonder if everything will be much better one day.
maybe that's up to me.