at times like this.
at times like... all the time.

i miss you.

Faint by Linkin Park just came on randomly. never looked up the lyrics before. interesting:


I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact
That everybody can see these scars

I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you
To just believe this is real

So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

I am, a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cuz you don't understand I do what I can
Sometimes I don't make sense

I am, what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do

You face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now, hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
I can't feel


then after this Florence - im not calling you a liar, came on. lovely music

something always tells me that what i go through is nothing.
maybe i have an okay perspective.
just seems strange.
to be okay through battles.
i am okay.
i will be.
and i always am.


it's all okay.
if it doesnt feel ok.
it will be. soon.
just hold on a bit.

yeah gonna change the url.

watchplanesandstars....

i need an original url.
"a-lilly"

ellen said that made it sound like i was just another lilly. that it shouldnt have the 'a'

i dont know. think i want to come up with something better..

id say 'suggestions?' but wheres the originality in that.

hmm

i should make another blog for my art stuff.. when i finally get off my backside and do art again. golly.

the world may fail. you will remain.

in the midst of the trial, you will always be.

ill sing, our God never fails. our God never fails.

with hope and light, you reign over all.

though my heart may fade.

you will always be.

ill sing, our God never fails.

praise in the morning. praise in the evening.

praise when im laughing. praise when im grieving.

there will be dancing. there will be singing.

upon injustice, we will tell of our God.

the hope of all hearts.

the hope of all hearts.

is you.

your love never fails.

your loeve never fails.

in the darkness, in trial.

my soul shall sing of his mercy and kindness.

our offering of praise.

our God never fails.

our God never fails.

im easy to ignore.

chrissy proved that.

althougggghhhh

make poverty history campaigning stuff.
B R I L L I A N T

got up early and was in the city by 9:40ish
sat at city square for 40 minutes. and thennn
parades of people running up and down swanston street screaming

so cool..

then the dance to lady gaga, paparazzi.
to say that poverty gets not media coverage..
and it should.

this is real.
and its happening.
and i loved that my eyes were opened to all this again.
cos it used to consume me.

golly.

it really is amazing.
to get perspective.

emotionally exhausting day.

whats going on?
like really. what is this..?
just emotions having a party.
probably.
cant worry about it too much.

i missed katie today, for some reason.
i reached her. but. it was like she didnt want to talk to me.
funnnn.

really fun.
people are great. and lifes brilliant.

its good to spend half an hour in the bathroom dampening your sleeve and using the toilet paper as endless tissues.
then walking out and seeing you have blood shot eyes..


sarcasm at its best.

i will never love you more than the drummer of flaming lips.
i will never love you more than woody allan movies.
i will never love you more than the white album of the beatles.
i will never love you more than god only knows.

i will never love you more than DVD's night with my girlfriend.
and we talk about stupid things like feelings and men.
i will never love you more than my boyfriend when i was 14.
even if he's now an asshole, i will never love you more.

and you say, you love me more than everything.
and compared to me everything is nothing...

i will never love you more than meeting paul mcCartney.
and we asked him to play a song on my ukulele.
i will never love you more than scandinavian tour.
which was more than paradise we shall remember it too.

i will never love you more than dancing to phil spektor.
i will never love you more than my kesyington keyboard.
i will never love you more than daniel johnston himself .
for me he's more than god, i will never love you more.

and you say, you love me more than everything.
and compared to me everything is nothing.

oh this is sweet, i just wonder what it means.

you say you love me more, than all the girls you have before.
even more than music, even more than yourself .
even more than everything, but it's just a lie.
so i will never love you more, than anything.

i will never love you more than singing in the shower.
i will never love you more than my mac computer.
i will never love you more than having a daughter.
i will never love you more than peanut butter.

i will never love you more than kisses all day.
i will never love you more than cuddles all night.
i will never love you more than kissing girls lips when they're really pretty.

i will never love you more.
i will never love you more.

clare -
you sent a similar txt last time i ran out of credit.
yes i could not be okay and you wouldnt know.
but i could also be okay and you wouldnt know.
dont fret. dont worry. dont be concerned.
im okay.
:)

we want all that stuff. all that stuff that costs too much.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\.

wow clare. your blog playlist. some interesting songs on there.
holding significance and a half i reckon.
funny i only just realised you made this list, ive been listening to half these songs all night.. mainly dinosaur, m79, walls, and run to you.
good okay-ness.

sound in a tune, makes memory stir.

1. hillsong, in your freedom - reminds me of regional youth alive in 08. golly. the whole album this is on holds alot actually. good song.
2. city & colour, save your scissors - reminds me of your tumblr. and ellen. good lyrics.
3. hillsong, desert song - um one of the most significant songs in my life. particularly during 08, and its just. good. haa
4. vampire weekend, cousins - im best friends with this song. its my alarm song on my phone, it makes me smile, it is okay and makes me feel so.
5. yeah dont even know it..
6. relient k, i need you - i go way back with this band. dont think this was one of the songs that stood out for me. but 2007 is what this would remind me of.
7. kisschasy, dinosaur - listen to it 50 times a day, its my msg tone. it will represent alot in time..
8. the rocket summer, walls - reminds me of sunday night at clares. good lyrics. may start listening to this more regularly.
9. hillsong, to know your name - this version. means alot to me. it does. it holds alot.
10. jesus culture, dance with me - since december to now this song has brought me back to where things disapear and im 'at peace' mm i dont know. but its. brilliant. it just gets me. and makes me realise alot of things. alot of meaning in this song.
11. tenth avenue north, times - reminds me of ash, and our late late msn chats last year. i sent her the lyrics to this song in an fb msg when i barely knew her. the words are.. interesting. make me think.
12. nope.
13. the middle east, blood - golly. this song is so brilliant. and is amazing to me and i dont even know why. its got a cute video and actually reminds me of cutie, and also being at the twins place. it reminds me of simplicity.. its what ill be listening to when im living in fitzroy.
14. jon foreman, cure for the pain - reminds me of driving home from a car date with chrissy, and having my mac and reading blogs, and seeing katie. reminds me of my old car, and listening to it on repeat on long drives on my own. it also make me think.
15. the rocket summer, run to you - i hold a dear spot for rocket summer. thats all.
16. hillsong, point of difference - i listened to this when i got a bunch of new urban leaders at the start of 07, it was a time of much change.
17. vampire weekend, m79 - story of my life right now. the okay-ness song. the song that is perky.
18. cocoon, hummingbird - this song goes along with blood. both songs are brilliant to me, and remind me of something i cant quite click. but it was a time where things were very very different. these songs make me dwell but also smile. pretty song this one.
19. havent heard this one.
20. brooke fraser, lifeline - ava have a song at same title. i like brooke fraser very much but havent listened to this song alot at all. but it reminds me of going to the river with steph, the river near ellens, but i didnt know ellen at the time.
21. havent heard this one either.
22. or this one.
23. regina spektor, hero - reminds me of a blog, mims? not sure. but thats about it. i like reggie spek.


wow. that took a bit of time. it's 12:43, dont know why i wasted all that time doing that. why do you have so many songs my dear. ha. well theyre quite good anyway. my eyes are getting heavy. better head for bed then. when will i stop remembering so much detail about things, always turns into rambling.

How?

a random txt to get at 10:45 at night:

"i would like a cookie :) love you lil!"


beautiful bek. thanks for replying to my msg 10 hours later :)

"... she'll wonder what the heck im doing there. i wouldnt know what to say. yeah hi chrissy, how are you? good? how am i? well ive been better since you tore my insides out and made them into confetti.."


i don't know how i brought myself to say this about her, and so easily. and with basically no emotion. frig..

but on the other side.

chrissy changed my life. like she actually did. in every way possible, that i can think of.

and i suppose, that's exactly why i can say this..

i think tomorrow. is saying bye.

another season 11:21pm 09/07/2008

why do we feel hurt?
even when we dont precisely know what may have caused it
maybe some people are more sensitive
as little as not being heard
even though time after time your effort goes to serving people and
when theres a tiny opportunity to return the favour its not returned
its not about recognition at all
its just interesting how the human emotions work
we're not called to live by emotion, yet its by our heart that god can communicate more things to us.
jesus died for us - an act of love - does that count as emotion?
emotion didnt save the world.
this time around it was different. even though its a sensitive season, timidity cant win.
whatever you say doesnt have to be heard, its the meaning behind it that counts.


i forgot about this book i made in yr12 full of drawings and stuff id writen. this is so weird. im so... i dont even know what im saying. its freakin weird lol.. but its interesting. atm im trying to find anything from that year that i may have written. im surprised i didnt document it better. such a significant year.

maybe i should try txt katie again. i mean her phone was broken, so she wouldnt have got my last few txts a few weeks ago. and maybe she didnt see my fb wall post or something.
she said hi on sunday. so..
yep.
or maybe i shouldnt try catch up.
mmmmeh.
i dont know.

mmmmmm yeah. interesting promise.
but. great.
i thought id listen to m79 while i write this so it has the okay-ness feel to it.
yep.
i want to say something. not sure what. but something.
all day ive been reading and writing in journals. fun times.
so i should have an idea of what to say....
i like you alot. and you are incredibly significant to me. like you may have no idea yet. but yep. you ahhhh. golly. are very nice. to be around. haa
and the way you worded that "leaving with no explanation. no warning" etc. yeah. nice one.. references. ha.
good. good.
im actually planning to do something tomorrow night that ive been planning for some time. and i havent told anyone.
crazy
but it is actually nothing really. at all..
but youll try and pick my brain i know. but dont. ill eventually tell you.

anyway

what i should be getting at. and the point of this blog.
is that. thankyou. thanking you. you i thank. thanks.
for.
just. getting me.
and being around. so easily. it just feels, okay.
and. yep.
i dont know what things will be like in a year let alone a month but i dont believe ill be leaving or anything either.
i like you very much clarey.

im now listening to The World at Large by Modest Mouse. it's towards end of the song now.

beautiful.

i miss this kid. freakinn amazing at art (just look at that etch a sketch).. makes for interesting conversation too. and will do just about anything. a fun being. yep.

we are always a part of something bigger.
something greater.
you are actually capable of so much.
beyond what you could figure out for yourself.