she just about means the world to me. but i try and i try and i try. and it isn't enough. i don't know when it will be. i don't know what will fix you. but i cry every night wishing you would just be fixed. that you would just be okay.

in an hour they'll all be on that bus.
and i won't be.

it's a bit more real to me now.

"And through all of this, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, no fear, no insecurity, no doubt, no hesitation that will ever, ever stop us. Because we are the son of the living God. Because we are the children of the almighty. Because we are the residence of the kingdom of heaven and we are soldiers in an army of the immortal. And when we speak light, light happens. And when we speak healing, healing happens. And when we speak truth, truth happens. And when we go take what we found to a dead world, we will see it come to life again. When we take what we found to a hopeless world, we will see hope come back, we will see the hearts of our world start beating again and we will see the colour come back in peoples faces and absolutely nothing will ever stop that and mountains will move before us and oceans will pour before us and the dead will raise before us and the world will know that our God is a God that heals, that our God is a God that lives, that are God is a God that loves unlike anyone has ever felt before because we are fearless, because we are his hand, because we are his feet, forever and ever..."

leaving a church, isn't leaving God.. but it's like, the way people have reacted to other people leaving this church before, that's what they think it is.
they label people and say, they're not 'doing well'

a classic story.
one of my old old friends, left this particular church.
and told people from that church that he was going out drinking and partying, because he knew they would spread it around.
and they did.
they said he wasn't 'doing well', that he was 'backslidden'
but he wasn't.
he had just been going to a different church...

this doesn't make sense.

this isn't how it should be.

i've lost what i thought was my family.
it really is changing a lot.

i don't think i can stay.

i don't think anything is going to change my mind this time.

i do believe this church is doing some good things.
and it has an unbelievable youth pastor, that is changing the way kids perceive God.

and he isn't cliche, he is original and actually realistic and knows what he does.

and that's what we need.

but this time, i don't think i can partner with that.

i don't think i can help..
not anymore.

and they have no idea that i'm just about to leave. that i won't really be around.
it probably isn't fair.
and they'll probably all be shocked, or hurt, or confused, or a little sad.
maybe.
but.
i think this is for the better, for them.

i feel like i'll be up all night thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking.
but if i look back, like i always seem to do,
i don't see where a lot of time spent thinking has gotten me.

you can go to a whole other world if you think enough,
but the whole time you'll still be sitting in that chair or laying in that bed,
and you'll realise that nothing has changed.
that you haven't moved.