.

the bottle cap & learning to lie

shouldn’t have done it but did.

seems to be that way a bit lately.

right now its still fresh. 

not sure how to feel about it.

don’t know at all.

numb.

i obviously haven’t done the right thing

but what have i actually done?

was i not just a quiet observer? 

yet i was the vehicle used for it to happen.

the love i have for them, i can not explain.

yet my love hasn’t been any good.

in this moment...

i saw a whole new side.

i didn’t know it.

this is what she has hid behind the mask the whole time,

that is all...

...took the cap

found the lavatory

locked the door

and outlet the new way...

...there wasn’t anything right, about that night,

yet it was amusing.

why are the fun times the not so good times?

so it seems...

...i haven’t gone away feeling any better, or even any worse,

but something isn’t right.

to see them that way, 

taking the sips,

taking the drags,

i was numb. 

and didn’t know how to think. 

there was no judgement. 

there was no thinking about what the consequences could be.

there was nothing.

no thoughts at all.

it was just, i love them.

and i don’t think i like seeing them this way.

but what am i gonna do?

and what can i do?

...i think it hurts a lot.

and i am sorry.